The New Neo

In defending Anthony Weiner, actress Janeane Garofalo is quoted as saying, “Everyone lies about sex.”

Leaving aside both Weiner and Garofalo (I trust you’ll thank me for that), is it true—or sorta true, or kinda true—that everyone lies about sex?

I would agree that sex is one of the things that people are most likely to lie about, although of course it’s not true that everyone does. Sex is a powerful and potentially anarchic force, one that societies and organized religions have tried to harness, shape, and control for the sake of marriage and child-rearing, to greater or lesser success. And when it breaks free of those bonds—which it regularly does, and always will—the temptation on the part of the perpetrator to lie can be almost irresistible. Most people lie only to the spouses to whom they’ve been unfaithful; public figures such as Weiner and Clinton lie to the world, as well.

When we think of lies about sex, infidelity naturally comes to mind. One of the most searing experiences a person can undergo is to discover evidence that a previously-trusted spouse has been unfaithful. It shakes the foundations of trust so profoundly that it can easily lead to the sort of cynicism that Garofalo voiced, the idea that everybody is corrupt, everybody lies about this sort of thing (although not necessarily to her corollary notion that therefore it’s okay, no big deal). Sometimes a marriage can be repaired afterward, but very often the damage is fatal to the union, and the fallout is huge. So perpetrators who wish to remain married are strongly motivated to lie as a coverup—although all too often they’re so bad at it that they’re found out anyway.

But there are other ways to lie about sex. Some people lie in the direction of overestimating (or underestimating, I suppose) how much of it they’re getting, a common problem with sex surveys that rely on self-report. People lie in either direction about their sexual histories—whether they are virgins or not, or the depth and breadth of their previous sexual experience (historically speaking, a lie about this sort of thing has sometimes led to grisly consequences for the liar).

Women can lie to the men they sleep with about whether they’re having orgasms—some studies say that as many 60% of women have done this at least once. I wrote that women can lie about orgasms, but it turns out that men can lie too, and they do, although it would seem physiologically impossible—after all, wouldn’t there be evidence?. But apparently, where there’s a will there’s a way.

Let’s hope that, in a couple of weeks or even sooner, Anthony Weiner and his sexual antics will have mercifully disappeared from the news and we can get back to fun things like the continual decline of our economy. But his case is an excellent reminder of just how powerful a force the internet has been in facilitating sexual dalliances, especially of the mind.

Pornography has a lengthy history. But it used to be that a person had to seek it out in a manner that involved something more active than the mere pressing of a key on a computer. The process seemed more risky and less private, because a person could be seen pursuing the habit in public by appearing in an adult store for a video or attending a strip joint.

Plus, society was more disapproving of these things. Magazines such as Playboy and its ilk were sold in mainstream stores, but the consumer usually had to call attention to himself by asking for them, since they tended to be kept behind a counter and away from childish eyes.

As for the type of sexual carrying-on that was not merely of the mind, but required the interaction in space and time of two bodies that actually touched (what a quaint thought!), it wasn’t so long ago that most prostitutes could rightly be called streetwalkers, since instead of having websites they actually prowled the streets looking for johns. Other forms of unfaithfulness in marriage certainly existed (read a John Updike novel if you doubt it), but the opportunities to find a partner were more limited, and one usually had to make do with the locals. The were “swinging” couples (what a quaint word), but finding another twosome so inclined usually involved complex machinations and print advertisements in magazines and specialized periodicals.

Now it’s all been swallowed up by the computer, the perfect medium for the exchanges needed to arrange illicit sex in the real world and/or cybersex in the virtual one.

Bill Clinton’s famous dalliances took place before the internet had achieved hegemony in this arena. The evidence he left was all too physical. Clinton may have thought he was playing it safe by not engaging in “real” sex (by his own definition), but it was very real indeed compared to what we know so far of Anthony Weiner’s proclivities.

One would think that real sex has a greater lure than that of the cyber variety. But don’t underestimate the power of the human imagination. The realm of sexual fantasy has long held a powerful draw, but only recently has it been so extraordinarily easy to indulge it. Pornography is so ubiquitous online that it requires an effort to avoid it rather than to acquire it, since unsolicited hardcore sites and sexual spam still crop up unwanted from time to time on screen and inbox.

For someone like Weiner, the opportunity to correspond online with nubile females and indulge fantasies of his own astounding sexual power was apparently too enticing to resist. What’s more, a person engaged in such endeavors can comfort him/herself with the idea that it’s not really real, it’s just harmless play, no infidelity to one’s spouse is involved, and that it’s safe because no body fluids are exchanged.

That, of course, is hogwash and purposeful self-delusion, as Weiner has subsequently learned. But it is a trap into which many seem to fall. It has often been said that the brain is the most powerful sexual organ. That’s the part of the body that engages most strongly with the internet to enhance the entire experience and bring it an especially addictive quality to those susceptible.