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Grieving

The New Neo Posted on by

He was a presence in my life for nearly sixty years – first as young boyfriend, then as husband, then as ex-husband. But always, always, a central figure. And how he is gone.

He had some health problems, to be sure. But not fatal ones, or ones that were supposed to be fatal. But he got aspiration pneumonia after a relatively routine surgery and just couldn’t shake it. Yesterday he died.

The chain of events lasted about a month from start to finish. It felt like something unstoppable, although I continue to think something could have been done to stop it. Perhaps that’s unrealistic of me, but that’s how I feel. It was only a few days ago that I realized this train to death would not stop, and by then there wasn’t time to talk and plan.

He was the person who knew what we had gone through, the only person except me. He was the most intense relationship of my life. We had a child together – now a grown man with a family of his own, giving us grandchildren. My ex-husband was a wonderful father and grandfather, able to entertain any child for hours. He entertained me, too. One of his favorite ploys was, in the middle of an argument between us, to make a joke that stopped me in my tracks and cracked me up.

He was the person who could look at me now and remember me when I was a young woman. And I could look at him and remember him when he was a young man.

Now there are many sad tasks to perform – in particular the dismantling of all the carefully-assembled memorabilia and bric-a-brac and voluminous paperwork that are amassed in a long life by someone who very much liked to save things.

It is a tremendous loss for me.

Comments

Grieving — 136 Comments

  1. Neo: condolences to you and your family. Peace to your ex.

    “It felt like something unstoppable, although I continue to think something could have been done to stop it.” Had that experience with my mother. Still hurts.

  2. So very sorry to hear of the passing of your ex-husband. I’m glad that you were able to maintain a positive relationship and appreciation of each other even though it no longer worked for you both to stay married, and that you could be there for him in his illness and final days.

    I’d be interested to see an obituary, if you’re comfortable sharing.

  3. Praying for you, your family, and him.
    May he rest in peace.

    God bless you in these hard places and hard sad times.

  5. A moving, and beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing. And condolences on your loss. You remain in my prayers.

  8. Your sorrow weighs heavy on my heart, but I can’t find the words to convey the depth of my sympathy. May God give you peace and your ex-husband eternal rest in His loving arms.

  9. Your divorce must have been painful, but it sounds like you were blessed with with a good marriage while it lasted. Try to concentrate on the good times, and forget the problems.

  10. Your thoughts, even on sad days, are beautifully expressed. So much is lost when someone close to us dies. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

  11. Yes. You have had two enviable (primary) loves in your life. Gerard, we recall first (yet last chronologically). And longer, and earlier, with this man.

    You conclude “Now there are many sad tasks to perform – in particular the dismantling of all the carefully-assembled memorabilia and bric-a-brac and voluminous paperwork that are amassed in a long life by someone who very much liked to save things.”

    I am struck by the parallelism we live out now, in our time. As wee children, the women in our lives like mothers, pick up after us. And now that women live substantially longer than men, they are regularly called upon to repeat this task again. Finally.

    Pneumonia is a greater risk as we age. About aspirational pneumonia in particular, the Cleveland Clinic notes that being at the age over 65 and having Parkinson’s, in particular, impairs mechanical clearing this type of bacterial infection. Two challenges of note for him.

    On death and dying, those of us with dissenting beliefs, and especially lacking in orthodox Christian theism, lack the comforting image of an all loving God, and an afterlife in His Kingdom. What can we say upon death?

    British philosopher Bryan Magee died in 2019, after a career most famous for being a public ambassador for the field, with many BBC radio programmes and what with two multi-hours long interview programs on BBC television during the 1970s (“Men of Ideas”), and 1980s (“The Giants of Philosophy”), both living on at YouTube.

    In his last book to see print before his death, Magee answered the question we confront today — “What’s the point of living” without transcendence after death? — in “Making the Most of It” (2018), closing this way:

    “If it could be revealed to me for certain that life is meaningless, and that my lot when I die will be timeless oblivion, and I were then asked: ‘Knowing these things, would you, if given the choice, still choose to have been born?’, my answer would be a shouted ‘Yes!’

    “I have loved living. Even if the worst-case scenario is the true one, what I have had has been infinitely better than nothing. In spite of what has been wrong with my life, and in spite of what has been wrong with me, I am inexpressibly grateful to have lived. It is terrible and terrifying to have to die, but even the prospect of eternal annihilation is a price worth paying for being alive.”

    For those of us without the consolation of philosophy that leads us towards theology, we thus have Magee’s post-Stoic bon motte — defiant existential celebration. We have lived. We have lost, but we have loved.

    It’s not much. But it ain’t nothing. Even at de minimus.

  12. Words fail us at times like this. Still, know that prayers and good thoughts from your blog-family are with you and your family in your grief. G-d bless!

  13. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope that you will be kind to yourself going forward. Many things need to be done, but taking care of yourself, I think, is the most important. One day at a time.

  18. I was hoping not to see this post. Hoping his health could improve, somehow.

    What a beautiful tribute.

    I am so sorry for your loss. You continue to be a great partner to him. God bless him and god bless you, the son you raised together and all his family and friends who are grieving.

  19. Condolences, and I expect you are exhausted from the vigil. Many of us have been there, watching the cascade of problems, one after the other. And then the cleaning up, going through the files, handing out the clothes and furniture, returning books to the library, finishing the taxes … Please take some time to recover yourself.

  24. Condolences for your loss. You should be comforted by your memories, and that you did so much for him in his last weeks and months.

  25. You are a very unusual woman, Neo. A very rare fusion of sensitivity, intellect, and kindness. I can’t grieve for your ex, as I never knew him. But I can grieve for you, and I do.

  26. There are no words to assuage the loss of someone like this from someone else’s life. Rest in peace. Please know that you are in our prayers.

  28. neo,

    Such eloquent sadness. I am very touched. I grieve for / with you.

    As an earlier commenter wrote, “Please take some time to recover yourself.”

    I recall that you wrote that pressing on with your research and blog posts was helpful in distracting you from what was evolving. I can only remark, do what’s best for *you* now: we appreciate and honor you, and we will appreciate and honor whatever blog-related decisions you make as the aftermath of the tragedy unfolds.

    God bless . . .

    M J R

  30. You’ve lost two important men in your life…I’m very sorry you’ve had to deal with both losses.

  31. Sincere condolences on your loss.
    Saying good-bye is never easy and takes an unexpected long time.
    Be good to yourself.

  32. May he rest in peace.

    Take care of yourself. Your readers will be here when you feel like writing a post.

  37. Condolences Neo. A shared life is a wonderful thing. I hope you have someone to talk with. My neighbor and I are members of the Club. We sit and talk often. It helps us both. It would help you too, with the grieving process. Memories are what we have.

  38. I’m sorry to hear about this, Neo. It’s obvious from your words but also your actions that he meant a great deal to you. You have my condolences.

  41. Great love often yields great sadness at the loss…God be with you and your family Neo…

    “The Lord bless you and keep you;
    The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;
    The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”
    – Numbers 6:24-26

  46. Neo, I’m so sorry to hear about your ex-husband.

    I’ve always respected the fact that you were able to maintain a relationship with your ex and it speaks well of you that you were there for him even up to the end.

    Any time someone who was part of your life for decades dies, it feels like a little of your own life has died as well. The web of all shared memories gets slowly dismantled thread by thread until it’s just you holding it. And the grief is both for the people gone and also the audience of people who could even appreciate your memories.

    Condolences. And please take care of yourself.

  47. I’m so sorry, Neo. And I’m sorry, too, that you must go through this not long after losing Gerard.

    You built much of your adult life out of love for this man. You write so eloquently about the loss of that constant presence. I wonder if, over time, you’ll begin to feel his presence more than his absence, whether you’ll feel comfort in the way a space in your heart still holds his shape, even though he’s not here. I haven’t lost a lifetime love, but something like that has happened for me in the years after I lost my parents. Whatever happens, I hope you find comfort and peace.

  48. There is beauty in your post, and the comments are lovely. I wish they weren’t needed. Condolences from my family to yours.

  50. I’m so sorry, Neo. I’m glad you were able to spend time with him; no doubt he felt comforted by your presence. I loved the story of when/how you met, too.

    I offer my sincere condolences to you and your son and his family.

  51. Very sorry, I was hoping for a recovery. You’ve certainly acted in a very loving manner.

    A quote I ran across:

    Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

  57. It’s hard to think of anything to say. I trust you won’t object to us Catholics praying not only for you but also for your husband. Which I’m about to do.

    I’m sure all of us older people who have not experienced this kind of loss are thinking about what it’s going to feel like, whether we are the one leaving or the one left.

  58. Neo: my deepest condolences to you and your family. I was so hoping that your guy would pull through, and that our prayers might help that happen. It was not to be. I take a little comfort from the kind and heartfelt —and eloquent— words of your readers. As “David Foster” says, “Grief is just love with no place to go.” I think we are all feeling that way: right now and probably for a long time to come.

    Stay well.

  60. My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your ex-husband. You have been a remarkable example of spousal devotion throughout this, all the more striking for an ex-spouse. God bless you for what you have done.

    Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him.

  62. Like many other regular readers, I’m at a loss for words, so however conventional the sentiment, please accept my condolences. That’s all I’ve got. How you keep writing about this, I’ll never understand.

  64. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You were very close and now he has gone; Gone into the Smoke of the World.

  66. Dear Neo, you have my sympathy for your tremdous loss and my admiration for how you ave love and care for the primary people in your life.

  68. I lost my wife a couple of months ago. Hardest thing to overcome in my life. My condolences.

  69. My deepest condolences. It’s our 43rd anniversary this year and whether I or my DW go first, it’s going to be hard for both of us.

  70. My deepest condolences on your loss.

    Even though we were divorced, my previous wife and I were friends and still loved each other up until she died. My regret was that I was not able to be of assistance to her in her three year struggle with cancer.

  71. I’m so sorry. God bless you both.

    Losing your spouse leaves an unspeakable void — my wife of 38 years died 6 years ago.

  72. We were all hoping that he would pull through—it’s like a whirlwind came up and bore him away. I am sorry that you and your family have lost so much.

  73. I hope so small measure of Peace finds you Neo, as surely as he must have found his now, and he suffers no more. R.I.P. You have your living family to celebrate and many memories to savor. I hope these things bring you some comfort and strength as the near term must seem almost impossible to contemplate. You are in our thoughts.

  74. May his memory–eventually–be entirely a blessing. Right now too much of it is agony, but I’m so glad you were there for him. That will help you get through this.

  77. Blessings in your time of grief, Neo. I always find comfort in the last bit of Whitman’s “Song of Myself”:

    I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
    If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.

    You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
    But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
    And filter and fibre your blood.

    Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
    Missing me one place search another,
    I stop somewhere waiting for you.

  82. Adding my condolences to the many beautiful sentiments expressed by others here, who cherish you as a news and society analyst (with far more depth and variety than any other blogger!), and love you as a friend.

  84. My sincere condolences to you and your son, and to the relatives of your late ex-husband. May our Heavenly Father bring you all grace and mercy.

  85. My condolences, and my appreciation for the way you lived through and recounted that painful episode. I wish the best for you and your family.

  86. Condolences, Neo.

    I don’t feel that way about my ex (it’s more like either I badly misjudged her character from the get-go, or maybe she changed in a way that I didn’t see coming), but your heart-felt comments on the relationship left me wishing I’d had something like that.

    I figure it’s a good thing you still cared about (and appreciated) someone you couldn’t live with. And for me, that thought gets more vivid the older I get.

  89. God bless and best wishes to you, Neo, as you continue on. You were a blessing to him, I have no doubt. Thank you for sharing as you do.

  91. Late getting to this. My deepest condolences, Neo. May his memory be a blessing to you and all your family.

    I am doing similar tasks for my sister here in California. Her husband died a few hours after my arrival. Unlike you, my sister is experiencing memory loss, which makes all the details even harder. May God be with you as you deal with so many things.

  93. My condolences.
    At this time of year Jews are focused on improving their character and personal integrity, in relationship to our fellows as much as to G-d.
    This relationship contradicted everything I have experienced of divorce. And it is still a marvel to me.

  94. Although it sounded like you/we knew this was going to happen I am deeply sorry to hear this. I will remember him, you, your children and grandchildren.

    Part of my daily prayer routine is to pray or “the sick, the suffering, the dying, and the grieving”.

    May his memory be a blessing.

  98. I am so sorry for your loss. I unexpectedly lost my wife of 46 years last November. Some losses never go away, but we find a way to go on. Be well.

  104. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Please cry as much as you feel.

    I suggest listening to some songs that support how you want to feel: sad if you want more sad catharsis, songs you both liked if you want to remember good times.

    We, your readers and commenters, do care about you.

  105. A toast to a life well lived. I feel the jokes story, I’m sure he would love to share one of those St Peter’s gates story with you.

  106. neo:

    My condolences, certainly. I would also thank you for your gift as an example in a difficult human circumstance.

    In my family one dealt with the grief and sorrow of death, but there was usually some crazy that went with it, which made it worse.

    When I left home for college, I was always scanning my friends to see how they managed to lead sane, healthy lives. You would have been the sort of person I watched then.

    Frankly, you still are.

  108. My condolences to you.

    “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. “

  111. Neo, very sorry for your loss.

    Thank you very much for sharing your journey with us.

    You are, as Huxley said, someone to emulate.

  112. Deepest sympathy to you in this time of grief. Walk through it in whatever way you need. Prayers for you and family to have peace in the midst of the sorrow.

  113. You may not know my name, as I’ve written to you so rarely. But I wanted you to know that someone who has read you faithfully for a decade is thinking of you now. May the gifts you’ve given us be transferred back to you, in all our loyalty and support.

  115. Kate,
    “I am doing similar tasks for my sister here in California. Her husband died a few hours after my arrival. Unlike you, my sister is experiencing memory loss, which makes all the details even harder.”
    …
    My condolences, and prayers for strength for you, Kate.
    As you wrote to Neo, I say to you as well:
    “May God be with you as you deal with so many things.”

  121. Having a good memory is good because you can remember your time together. But is is also the worst because you know what you lost.

  122. Neo, you have my condolences. Your reflection that he was “the only person that knows what we have been through” causes me to cherish my wife all the more, as day by day, we continue our journey together.

  124. Neo, you write to beautifully on virtually every subject under the sun. This was a wonderful tribute to a life that was clearly well-lived. My condolences to you and yours on this loss.
    A wonderful friend of mine of some 50+ years passed a week ago Friday. I was there to day goodbye. Years ago, Tommy gave me the shirt off his back – literally – when I was in need. It is not easy losing someone who means so much to you and others.

  125. My deepest condolences, Neo. Although we have never met, I have been reading your writing for at least fifteen years. I was 14 or 15 when I first discovered your blog, and I am 31 now. I feel I have become familiar with you in that strange way people claim to ‘know’ their favorite author or columnist. So I feel for you, even though I am not at a point in my life where I could begin to comprehend the magnitude of your loss.

    May he
    RIP

  126. Losing folk you care about is difficult and Bless you and your family as you move on along which is never easy and it’s a process as you remember good loving stuff. Words are just words so I all I can think to say is, just honor and cherish memories and thank you for all of the past few decades you have shared your thoughts with us.

  127. Condolences to you and yours for your loss. Something unstoppable translates nicely to coming like a freight train. While we generally can get off the track, sometimes we can’t, which is what sadly makes it life. Life goes on. It did for him. It will for you and yours. Please accept my prayers for your loss. Regards –

  128. In some communities for a memorial of one passed, designated donations are suggested in lieu of flowers.

    We do not know if neo has considered or knows of such that is appropriate in this, for the passing of her ex husband.

    Continuing support (donations) to neo in this blog may be a similar gesture.

  132. I’m truly sorry for your loss. Pneumonia is a difficult disease as it should be curable, and I feel the vaccine doesn’t work as we get older.

  134. Steve:

    I recall that neo said her ex husband’s surgery impaired his ability to cough. That and may have impaired his ability to clear his lungs of fluid, etc.

    RIP. Prayers for the grieving.

  135. My condolences. Thank you for sharing all this with us. May God give his soul rest and yours healing.

  136. TARDY, BUTDEEPEST CONDOLENCES, NEO. MAY HE RIP. MAY YOU BE CONSOLED BY GOD’S GRACE.

    SAIL ON, NEO, SAIL ON.

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