Ever since I was a little girl, fall has been my favorite season – despite the fact that it represented going back to school, something I dreaded. But fall itself was so beautiful, and the air so crisp, that it always felt invigorating.

Recently we’ve had especially glorious fall days, of the type that in the past never failed to make me happy. These days also happen to be the type my ex-husband loved because they are especially good for photographs. Nearly every year, he’d go to the local cemetery – an especially scenic place with many old trees – and take photo after photo after photo.

Not this year. This year I spent part a recent day talking to the cemetery staff about possible plots in which to bury cremains. That was one of the saddest tasks I can imagine. This is the sort of thing that keeps happening now – instead of A, we have B. Instead of something full of companionship, there is loneliness. I thought my ex would be with me a few more years. I thought we might go on a few more road trips, even though it has been more difficult in the past few years. And I find myself missing him more and more as time goes on, not less and less.

A couple of days ago I also got something in the mail from Social Security. It went like this:

We are sorry to learn of your loss. Please accept our sincere sympathy.

We are writing to you about your Social Security benefits.

You are entitled to monthly widow’s benefits beginning September 2026.

Widow’s benefits. I immediately burst into tears. I hadn’t though of that, but we were married so very long that I easily qualify. It’s one of the many things that seem especially poignant to me.

Another is the fact that many of the things that my ex kept – items I now need to get rid of – are from very early in our marriage. For example, there’s the bedroom furniture. How well I remember shopping for it when we first set up housekeeping! I didn’t have to deal with giving it away, because my ex kept it and used it all this time. But now – now I have nowhere to put it, and it must go.

Another heartbreak.