I’ve commented several times about columnist and pundit James Lileks’ public airing of his wife’s request to divorce. I’m sorry for boring you with this, but it has weighed on me quite a bit. At first I thought it’s because I have read his daily blog often, for maybe 15 years, and it’s sort-of like someone I know is struggling. But I don’t think that’s really it.
Of course I don’t know him. I’ve read a lot he’s written about his personal life, and listened to him speak on some podcasts, but who knows if what I’ve read and heard is him, or what percent of him it is? Also, a not insignificant portion of what he’s described about himself doesn’t resonate with me. I’m not sure he and I would be close friends if we were neighbors, or worked at the same place. And, I know almost nothing about his wife, Sara (he rarely wrote about her), or what it’s like to live with him. I know a little bit about one side of this and nothing about the other.
I think this fascinates me because he is being so very open and public about something that all of us who are married are susceptible to. When my wife and I had been married about 7 years I heard a stat on divorce. More than 20% of divorces occur after 25 years of marriage. I was shocked. How could a couple live together for 25 years and then divorce? It would seem, if you make it that far, you’d have things pretty much worked out. I would have guessed almost no one divorces after 20 years of marriage.
Then, around the 25 year mark, the Lovely Mrs. Firefly and my nest was emptying out and her and had a lot more free time and were spending a lot more time together. That’s when it hit me. “Oh, this is a whole, different thing.” And we were entirely different people than the two, young people who exchanged vows at an altar so many years ago. I remember talking with my wife about it when we were on a long drive to visit friends for the weekend. I realized her and I had to figure out a new way to live together. When kids are around and you’re working and busy you have far fewer options regarding how you spend your time, what you will do with your nights and weekends, where you will live, what you will eat*… Sometimes limits to freedom can make things easier.
So far, so good. I am very blessed to have married a very smart, fun woman who adapts well to new challenges. We have been through more than I ever imagined when we had that conversation on that drive, but we’ve zigged and zagged adroitly, and, mostly, in unison.
But I absolutely see how it can happen. And, through no real fault of the couple. Some of my oldest and best friends have divorced in that 25 – 35 year gap, and, who knows? There may be more to come.
I almost never look at the comments in Lileks’ bleats. The Bleatniks they call themselves. Like here, they are a diverse bunch and seem to enjoy one another’s company. This week the comments have been awash with others sharing similar stories. Divorce after 25, 30, 35 years. Reading a stat is one thing, but reading first person accounts is altogether different. How difficult it must be to untangle everything; property, investments, pets, automobiles…
It’s odd there is not more media about this. It’s obviously prevalent and very impactful to those going through it and those around them. Today James Lileks mused on how they were set with their finances combined, but rending it all in half does not result in the same lifestyle. Two can live nearly as cheaply as one. I imagine industries adapt to, and even exploit this phenomenon. Yet, media-wise, it all seems to go unspoken. Almost like it’s a taboo that should remain hidden.
There are many, many older adults suffering through a difficult, traumatic event. Odd there isn’t more information out there on this, support groups, places to go for companionship, help.
And, there’s a similar thing for losing one’s job. Something James Lileks has unfortunately also very recently endured, as have I.** So many of us get put out to pasture in our 50s, and it’s so, so very hard to get hired into a good paying job at that age. Odd that too, is treated clandestinely. Not to be spoken in media.
* Now that we are only cooking for two, and two adults, I have started speaking up regarding things I don’t particularly like. Brocoli, for example. When we were raising our kids I never said a word about anything we were eating as a family, lest the kids get the impression they had a choice. But now, now that’s it’s just as easy to make two different sides I’m expressing opinions. I never critique anything she prepares, but when asked in advance, I am stating preferences. And Mrs. Firefly does not appreciate it!
** I’m past that obstacle and gainfully employed now. And coming here and kibitz’ing with you all helped me through it. Thanks!
You should have seen Mrs. Firefly when the pediatrician wanted her to leave the examination room so he could ask her children some questions in private!
Part of Obama’s Affordable Care Act included asking youth a series of questions about their mental health and things at home. Hopefully it helped some kids who were in legitimate distress, but it also started many families down extremely difficult paths.
Pediatrician: “Do you ever think you may be gender non-conforming? Are you able to talk openly with your parents about that?”
Even a question like, “have you ever had thoughts of suicide?” can lead to tragic results.
RTF, I hope your wife burned the doctor’s a$$!
= = = = = =
A lot of things are wrong, if 1/8 of the US population is getting taxpayer-funded food aid.
For IrishOtter, an article on the massacres in Darfur, Sudan. What began as a battle between the Arab Islamist government troops and Arab Islamist rebel troops, with Christians in the cities affected, has become an all-out assault on Christian and animist black groups. When we lived in Cairo we saw first-hand the disdainful treatment of black Muslims from Nubia by Arab Muslims in Cairo.
And, through no real fault of the couple.
==
[eyeroll]
A lot of things are wrong, if 1/8 of the US population is getting taxpayer-funded food aid.
==
The government put the money on the table and 45% of those eligible applied. That’s what’s wrong.
==
That aside, at any one time, there are always people who are broke for one reason or another. There is no program that will change that.
I read Lileks often but not always. If I may speculate, I don’t recall him ever mentioning the very political reasons as to why life in Minneapolis has gone downhill in the last decade. With the likelihood that things there are going to get much worse soon it may be a matter of his wife demanding they leave while their house still has any value and him refusing.
Art Deco @2:28pm,
I encourage humility.
I hesitate to judge any couple’s relationship. Living with someone and navigating life together is a tricky, tricky thing. I imagine the only thing more difficult is navigating life alone.
People change. I am very different than the man my wife married, all those years ago. And she has also changed. We have changed in some similar ways, but also some dissimilar ways. I used to be the life of the party, always up for anything, and now she’s much more interested in going out on the town than I am. I’m not sure I’m officially a curmudgeon yet, but the life of a hermit or stoic seems more and more appealing as I age.
I have a few sets of friends who have divorced after decades of marriage and I’m close enough to have insight into the husband and wife, and years of personal interaction to go on. I believe “and through no real fault of the couple” is possible.
Going on some dates with someone in one’s twenties and guessing whether the two of you can buy property together, bear and raise children together and remain committed to whomever either of you evolves or devolves to in 30 years is an incredible roll of the dice. I got immensely lucky. I know that 27 year old guy who made that vow all those years ago, and I know he didn’t have a clue what he was signing up for, but, thank God, it looks like Mrs. Firefly and I are well positioned to stay together through the empty nest and pending physical ailments phase. Those friends I wrote of who didn’t make it here didn’t know less than me when they wed. They didn’t care less than me.
Dwaz,
His wife seems to have some ties to Arizona, or someplace in the southwest. Over the years he’s alluded to them retiring there. I think at least some of her family members live there. James Lileks is unusually sentimental and tied to his home, and things, but I doubt that’s it. Or all of it. My wife and I have even lived in separate states in two different homes when circumstances warranted it. A compromise where she winters in Arizona and he visits a few times while she’s there should be very doable, if that was the only issue.
I encourage humility.
==
I’d encourage you to realize that process servers do not spring up out of the ground and start handing out papers willy nilly. Someone’s agency is implicated in this.
==
I’ve been acquainted with three examples of gray divorce. Two of the three were childless 2d marriages contracted late in life. At the beginning of one set of proceedings, the wife was 65 and the husband 85; they owned two homes and she had been living in one (in Virginia) and he in the other (in Florida). In re the other, the wife was 88 and the husband older. The husband died within a few years and the wife landed in a nursing home and eventually died; the divorce suit was an early indicator she was losing her marbles. The third was of a marriage with children which imploded around age 70 consequent to the husband’s serial adulteries. He lived another 16 years, she another 20 years.
== Going on some dates with someone in one’s twenties and guessing whether the two of you can buy property together, bear and raise children together and remain committed to whomever either of you evolves or devolves to in 30 years is an incredible roll of the dice.
==
People manage.
I’m not seeing what Cruz is seeing.
==
Leftists embrace awful causes by default, I suspect for much the same reason people pretend to be interested in the art and architecture of the last century. The prominence of mainstream Jews in financing various domestic causes has put the brakes on embracing revanchist Arab / Muslim particularism. The influence of the Jewish population is declining and you can readily peel off segments of it who are simply not anymore loyal to Jewry than they are to anyone else outside their social circles.
==
I’d be pleased to see the Jewish mainstream figure out who their enemies are and who they are not, but I’m expecting squat.
Must Watch Video – Hostile Takeover – – how the DSA has TAKEN OVER the Democratic Party
There is no “Jewish mainstream.” Orthodox Jews vote for the right. Secular Jews are mostly dwellers in blue cities and vote for the most part as other inhabitants of blue cities do, for the left. Jews in the middle between those two extremes vote in the middle.
Jewish support for Mamdani in NYC is probably the lowest it’s been for any Democratic nominee for years and years and years. Here’s the most recent poll:
Sixty percent of Jewish respondents said that if the election were held during the survey period between October 23 and 27, they would vote for Cuomo, while 16% said that they would vote for NY Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani.
Guardian Angels founder Curtis Sliwa yielded 12% of the vote from survey participants, and eight percent said that they were undecided.
Plus, in terms of enemies, there are vicious Jew-haters on both right and left. More on the left until recently, but the right is starting to have more and more of them, especially among the young.
It’s hard for me to understand how any New Yorker who has thought about politics, economics, religion and criminal justice for more than 5 minutes can vote for Mamdani.
But here we are.
There is no “Jewish mainstream.”
==
Yes there is. It is predominantly bourgeois, modally professional-managerial, only residually religious if that, and descended from pre-war immigration streams. It is urban-metropolitan, with 40% or so living around New York or Miami. Such people vote Democratic by margins of 4-1. Mamdani can peel of a segment of this population, though not most.
there are vicious Jew-haters on both right…
==
You had a couple on this board (‘zaphod’, ‘rcocean’) that you tossed off if I’m not mistaken. (One you can still find him on the Althouse board). These chuds are not manifestations of a demographically or culturally significant element. It’s distressing that Ron Unz has lost his marbles and Tucker Carlson is sliding down the greasy slope, but I’m wagering the outcome will be that they’ll be left with an insignificant corps of listeners who have idiosyncratic issues. (Having been a Sailer follower, my guess would be that In the case of most, they’re stewing over Seth Kaye having swiped their college girlfriend, David Baum having represented their wife in that divorce case, and Hy Goldberg having given them a bad performance review).
It’s hard for me to understand how any New Yorker who has thought about politics, economics, religion and criminal justice for more than 5 minutes can vote for Mamdani.
==
He’s 33 years old, has a spotty job history, and has no executive experience at all. He’s prospering because the New York electorate is composed of frivolous people.
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I’ve commented several times about columnist and pundit James Lileks’ public airing of his wife’s request to divorce. I’m sorry for boring you with this, but it has weighed on me quite a bit. At first I thought it’s because I have read his daily blog often, for maybe 15 years, and it’s sort-of like someone I know is struggling. But I don’t think that’s really it.
Of course I don’t know him. I’ve read a lot he’s written about his personal life, and listened to him speak on some podcasts, but who knows if what I’ve read and heard is him, or what percent of him it is? Also, a not insignificant portion of what he’s described about himself doesn’t resonate with me. I’m not sure he and I would be close friends if we were neighbors, or worked at the same place. And, I know almost nothing about his wife, Sara (he rarely wrote about her), or what it’s like to live with him. I know a little bit about one side of this and nothing about the other.
I think this fascinates me because he is being so very open and public about something that all of us who are married are susceptible to. When my wife and I had been married about 7 years I heard a stat on divorce. More than 20% of divorces occur after 25 years of marriage. I was shocked. How could a couple live together for 25 years and then divorce? It would seem, if you make it that far, you’d have things pretty much worked out. I would have guessed almost no one divorces after 20 years of marriage.
Then, around the 25 year mark, the Lovely Mrs. Firefly and my nest was emptying out and her and had a lot more free time and were spending a lot more time together. That’s when it hit me. “Oh, this is a whole, different thing.” And we were entirely different people than the two, young people who exchanged vows at an altar so many years ago. I remember talking with my wife about it when we were on a long drive to visit friends for the weekend. I realized her and I had to figure out a new way to live together. When kids are around and you’re working and busy you have far fewer options regarding how you spend your time, what you will do with your nights and weekends, where you will live, what you will eat*… Sometimes limits to freedom can make things easier.
So far, so good. I am very blessed to have married a very smart, fun woman who adapts well to new challenges. We have been through more than I ever imagined when we had that conversation on that drive, but we’ve zigged and zagged adroitly, and, mostly, in unison.
But I absolutely see how it can happen. And, through no real fault of the couple. Some of my oldest and best friends have divorced in that 25 – 35 year gap, and, who knows? There may be more to come.
I almost never look at the comments in Lileks’ bleats. The Bleatniks they call themselves. Like here, they are a diverse bunch and seem to enjoy one another’s company. This week the comments have been awash with others sharing similar stories. Divorce after 25, 30, 35 years. Reading a stat is one thing, but reading first person accounts is altogether different. How difficult it must be to untangle everything; property, investments, pets, automobiles…
It’s odd there is not more media about this. It’s obviously prevalent and very impactful to those going through it and those around them. Today James Lileks mused on how they were set with their finances combined, but rending it all in half does not result in the same lifestyle. Two can live nearly as cheaply as one. I imagine industries adapt to, and even exploit this phenomenon. Yet, media-wise, it all seems to go unspoken. Almost like it’s a taboo that should remain hidden.
There are many, many older adults suffering through a difficult, traumatic event. Odd there isn’t more information out there on this, support groups, places to go for companionship, help.
And, there’s a similar thing for losing one’s job. Something James Lileks has unfortunately also very recently endured, as have I.** So many of us get put out to pasture in our 50s, and it’s so, so very hard to get hired into a good paying job at that age. Odd that too, is treated clandestinely. Not to be spoken in media.
* Now that we are only cooking for two, and two adults, I have started speaking up regarding things I don’t particularly like. Brocoli, for example. When we were raising our kids I never said a word about anything we were eating as a family, lest the kids get the impression they had a choice. But now, now that’s it’s just as easy to make two different sides I’m expressing opinions. I never critique anything she prepares, but when asked in advance, I am stating preferences. And Mrs. Firefly does not appreciate it!
** I’m past that obstacle and gainfully employed now. And coming here and kibitz’ing with you all helped me through it. Thanks!
The battle with my child’s school district over unauthorized “social and emotional learning” survey
If you have low blood pressure, this might help.
https://legalinsurrection.com/2025/10/the-battle-with-my-childs-school-district-over-unauthorized-social-and-emotional-learning-survey/
Selfy,
You should have seen Mrs. Firefly when the pediatrician wanted her to leave the examination room so he could ask her children some questions in private!
Part of Obama’s Affordable Care Act included asking youth a series of questions about their mental health and things at home. Hopefully it helped some kids who were in legitimate distress, but it also started many families down extremely difficult paths.
Pediatrician: “Do you ever think you may be gender non-conforming? Are you able to talk openly with your parents about that?”
Even a question like, “have you ever had thoughts of suicide?” can lead to tragic results.
RTF, I hope your wife burned the doctor’s a$$!
= = = = = =
A lot of things are wrong, if 1/8 of the US population is getting taxpayer-funded food aid.
For IrishOtter, an article on the massacres in Darfur, Sudan. What began as a battle between the Arab Islamist government troops and Arab Islamist rebel troops, with Christians in the cities affected, has become an all-out assault on Christian and animist black groups. When we lived in Cairo we saw first-hand the disdainful treatment of black Muslims from Nubia by Arab Muslims in Cairo.
https://legalinsurrection.com/2025/10/left-goes-silent-as-arab-islamist-militia-massacres-christians-others-in-sudan/
And, through no real fault of the couple.
==
[eyeroll]
A lot of things are wrong, if 1/8 of the US population is getting taxpayer-funded food aid.
==
The government put the money on the table and 45% of those eligible applied. That’s what’s wrong.
==
That aside, at any one time, there are always people who are broke for one reason or another. There is no program that will change that.
I read Lileks often but not always. If I may speculate, I don’t recall him ever mentioning the very political reasons as to why life in Minneapolis has gone downhill in the last decade. With the likelihood that things there are going to get much worse soon it may be a matter of his wife demanding they leave while their house still has any value and him refusing.
Art Deco @2:28pm,
I encourage humility.
I hesitate to judge any couple’s relationship. Living with someone and navigating life together is a tricky, tricky thing. I imagine the only thing more difficult is navigating life alone.
People change. I am very different than the man my wife married, all those years ago. And she has also changed. We have changed in some similar ways, but also some dissimilar ways. I used to be the life of the party, always up for anything, and now she’s much more interested in going out on the town than I am. I’m not sure I’m officially a curmudgeon yet, but the life of a hermit or stoic seems more and more appealing as I age.
I have a few sets of friends who have divorced after decades of marriage and I’m close enough to have insight into the husband and wife, and years of personal interaction to go on. I believe “and through no real fault of the couple” is possible.
Going on some dates with someone in one’s twenties and guessing whether the two of you can buy property together, bear and raise children together and remain committed to whomever either of you evolves or devolves to in 30 years is an incredible roll of the dice. I got immensely lucky. I know that 27 year old guy who made that vow all those years ago, and I know he didn’t have a clue what he was signing up for, but, thank God, it looks like Mrs. Firefly and I are well positioned to stay together through the empty nest and pending physical ailments phase. Those friends I wrote of who didn’t make it here didn’t know less than me when they wed. They didn’t care less than me.
Dwaz,
His wife seems to have some ties to Arizona, or someplace in the southwest. Over the years he’s alluded to them retiring there. I think at least some of her family members live there. James Lileks is unusually sentimental and tied to his home, and things, but I doubt that’s it. Or all of it. My wife and I have even lived in separate states in two different homes when circumstances warranted it. A compromise where she winters in Arizona and he visits a few times while she’s there should be very doable, if that was the only issue.
I encourage humility.
==
I’d encourage you to realize that process servers do not spring up out of the ground and start handing out papers willy nilly. Someone’s agency is implicated in this.
==
I’ve been acquainted with three examples of gray divorce. Two of the three were childless 2d marriages contracted late in life. At the beginning of one set of proceedings, the wife was 65 and the husband 85; they owned two homes and she had been living in one (in Virginia) and he in the other (in Florida). In re the other, the wife was 88 and the husband older. The husband died within a few years and the wife landed in a nursing home and eventually died; the divorce suit was an early indicator she was losing her marbles. The third was of a marriage with children which imploded around age 70 consequent to the husband’s serial adulteries. He lived another 16 years, she another 20 years.
==
Going on some dates with someone in one’s twenties and guessing whether the two of you can buy property together, bear and raise children together and remain committed to whomever either of you evolves or devolves to in 30 years is an incredible roll of the dice.
==
People manage.
Anti-Semitism on the Right–How Much of a Trend?
https://chicagoboyz.net/archives/75331.html
I’m not seeing what Cruz is seeing.
==
Leftists embrace awful causes by default, I suspect for much the same reason people pretend to be interested in the art and architecture of the last century. The prominence of mainstream Jews in financing various domestic causes has put the brakes on embracing revanchist Arab / Muslim particularism. The influence of the Jewish population is declining and you can readily peel off segments of it who are simply not anymore loyal to Jewry than they are to anyone else outside their social circles.
==
I’d be pleased to see the Jewish mainstream figure out who their enemies are and who they are not, but I’m expecting squat.
Must Watch Video – Hostile Takeover – – how the DSA has TAKEN OVER the Democratic Party
https://commoncts.blogspot.com/2025/10/must-watch-video-hostile-takeover-how.html
Art Deco:
There is no “Jewish mainstream.” Orthodox Jews vote for the right. Secular Jews are mostly dwellers in blue cities and vote for the most part as other inhabitants of blue cities do, for the left. Jews in the middle between those two extremes vote in the middle.
Jewish support for Mamdani in NYC is probably the lowest it’s been for any Democratic nominee for years and years and years. Here’s the most recent poll:
Plus, in terms of enemies, there are vicious Jew-haters on both right and left. More on the left until recently, but the right is starting to have more and more of them, especially among the young.
It’s hard for me to understand how any New Yorker who has thought about politics, economics, religion and criminal justice for more than 5 minutes can vote for Mamdani.
But here we are.
There is no “Jewish mainstream.”
==
Yes there is. It is predominantly bourgeois, modally professional-managerial, only residually religious if that, and descended from pre-war immigration streams. It is urban-metropolitan, with 40% or so living around New York or Miami. Such people vote Democratic by margins of 4-1. Mamdani can peel of a segment of this population, though not most.
there are vicious Jew-haters on both right…
==
You had a couple on this board (‘zaphod’, ‘rcocean’) that you tossed off if I’m not mistaken. (One you can still find him on the Althouse board). These chuds are not manifestations of a demographically or culturally significant element. It’s distressing that Ron Unz has lost his marbles and Tucker Carlson is sliding down the greasy slope, but I’m wagering the outcome will be that they’ll be left with an insignificant corps of listeners who have idiosyncratic issues. (Having been a Sailer follower, my guess would be that In the case of most, they’re stewing over Seth Kaye having swiped their college girlfriend, David Baum having represented their wife in that divorce case, and Hy Goldberg having given them a bad performance review).
It’s hard for me to understand how any New Yorker who has thought about politics, economics, religion and criminal justice for more than 5 minutes can vote for Mamdani.
==
He’s 33 years old, has a spotty job history, and has no executive experience at all. He’s prospering because the New York electorate is composed of frivolous people.