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For Gerard

The New Neo Posted on by

I know that most of you have gotten the news that Gerard Vanderleun is in hospice care now. It is inexpressibly sad.

I’ve been wrestling with this for a while. And by “this” I mean: how to say what I’m about to say. Anyone who reads this blog knows I’m a very private person and don’t go in for much disclosure, dramatic or otherwise. But I’m about to write something very personal because detachment doesn’t work right now.

And it’s something Gerard wanted me to write, too, and so I’m doing this at least in part for him as well.

Gerard and I met through our blogging nearly eighteen years ago, became a couple about a year later and have been extremely close ever since. We never lived together but would visit each other for lengthy periods, travel together, and have talked on the phone almost every day for most of the time we’ve been apart. He deferred to my need for privacy by not writing about our relationship, although I appear in some of his writings as the mysterious woman who was there for this or that occasion.

We’ve been in touch every day right through this illness, which came on so quickly and was diagnosed so recently – only this past Wednesday – that it took everyone by surprise. I am the “updater” at American Digest, too.

I’m very distraught, I’m on my way out west to see him, and this will be my only post for today. I’m not planning on giving a running account, but at some point I probably will write more about this.

Comments

For Gerard — 136 Comments

  2. I am so sorry to hear that your dear companion is suffering in this way.

    How gut wrenchingly horrible for you.

    Travel safe.

  4. So so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing this which will allow all of us to send our prayers and thoughts your way and for Gerard. No need to say any more unless/until you are ready.

  5. I’ve recently had bad news about a family member, so if you might, please pardon me if I can’t write a comment, while some of my emotions, might effect what I’m going to write.

    I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
    My condolences.
    I hope that you, and your friends, and your family, are doing well at this time.

  6. Well, the two wisest and most thoughtful writers in the blogosphere. I am not surprised since I sensed a connection in your posts. My condolences and prayers for you both. His memory will be a blessing,

  7. This is heartbreaking. I wish I could do more than offer prayers and kind thoughts.

    Thank you for letting your readers know. All best wishes to you and your friend, and please tell us how we might help. It’s what friends do.

  10. I am sorry to learn. I had no idea the two of your were so close. What a catastrophic, sudden onset of a grave illness.

    In my experience, most hospice nurses push opioids too vigorously, since most hospice patients are struggling with a cancer, with the adverse effects of opioids kicking in, not the least of which is mental clouding. I mention this only to give you a heads up in your precious time remaining with Vanderleun (that is how I know him!).
    My prayers are for you both, especially for his comfort and his peace.

  11. Two people I feel like I know well but have never even met. I have followed him from life in Seattle, the heart attack, the Paradise fire… All those dire events, and I am glad to know now that he had you with him.

    Gerard will be a great loss to humanity. What I believe makes his writing so memorable is how strongly he loves and feels about the experience he is writing about. We get a glimpse well above the commonplace.

  12. My deep sympathy. I will say a prayer for both of you.

    I had no idea at all that this relationship existed, which is a compliment to your intention and effort to keep the private that way.

  13. God grant both of you enormous peace.
    “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” — Ps 34:18

  14. Remarkable story. Two people that I have admired for these many years are actually very close. Given what I know of you both, maybe not a surprise.

    GVDL’s blog was one of the first I ever read. Reading the recent comments at American Digest is like a trip through blogosphere history. So many names I recognize from all these past years.

    GDVL was well-loved and admired for his writing and his insights into the human condition. What a body of work he has left. He’s left us with memories that we can cherish even though he is leaving us for a better place.

    There are no words that can make this better or easier. The only way through is one painful step at a time. My wife and I send our deepest sympathy and pray that God will bless both of you and ease your way along this path.

  15. I’m sorry. Praying that his last days are peaceful and that you and his family and friends will find comfort in happy memories.

  21. I am so sorry. I have read Gerard’s work for many, many years, and have really grown to love his writing. When I read this at American Digest, it left me profoundly saddened. I cried.

    I went back and read some of what he wrote. He is a wonderful writer, and there will be a huge hole left when he leaves us.

    I ditto JJ’s comments above.

    I had been following the updates on his ill health that it turns out you were posting, and kept hoping he would be back. I wish I could express how sorry I am for you, for him, for his family, for his friends, and for the rest of us who were just his readers.

    My prayers are with all of you.

  23. I am so sorry to hear this, Neo. There are so many long-time and incredibly wise bloggers that I have followed over the years who have passed away, leaving the blogosphere a colder and emptier place. Stephen Den Beste, half a dozen others… and now Gerard.

  24. My thoughts and prays are truly with you, and Gerard. Wishing you strength to endure the rough times ahead. Both of you are wonderful writers that have enriched my life.

  25. May God bless you.

    A friend of ours passed after a lengthy period in home hospice. A number of friends would take turns staying with him while his wife ran errands and/or decompressed. It was a long two years.

    It is not unseemly to find yourself glad to have rest.

  26. The unexpected news of Gerard’s diagnosis hit me hard because it reminded me of my dad’s sudden death of a heart attack when I was still a teenager. I had thought I had moved past the shock of sudden loss, but obviously I haven’t. If there’s one consolation in your and Gerard’s situation, though, it’s that you have the chance to say good-bye to him– which I didn’t have with my dad; in fact, I was the one who found his body and bitterly regretted not being able to tell him in words how much I loved him.

    I wish you not only a safe journey westward but also ample time to spend with Gerard, to talk with him, comfort him– and laugh with him, as his sense of humor is one of his most endearing qualities. And if you get the chance– give Olive some pets and skritches on behalf of another cat-owned human and the two Feline Americans who run this place.

    Meanwhile, prayers up, and God go with you.

  27. Thank you for being willing to share this Neo. I have been keeping Gerard in my prayers and will add you as well. Safe travel and blessings of peace to you both and all his loved ones.

  28. neo:

    Sorry to hear you are losing a close friend and colleague.

    I knew Gerard mildly from another time, another place, as I mentioned last night. He was always a strong presence and a force for what he believed. He was also a fine writer and poet.

    In case any readers here are unfamiliar with his writing, here are my two favorite GVDL pieces:
    ______________________

    Now these are the Laws of the Blogger, and as true and as blue as the sky;
    You can link, you can wink, you can blather, but in the end you can’t lie.

    –“The Law of the Blogger”
    https://americandigest.org/mt-archives/005117.php
    ______________________

    Then as I watched the first tower just imploded and plunged, it seemed to me, straight down. Then a huge brown and black rolling cloud of smoke came boiling through all the streets between the buildings and surged outwards towards us on the other side of the river and, at the same time, upward until it took over the center of the sky.

    You could see bright shiny bits of metal squares tumbling up and down and drifting out of the smoke that moved up and blew out to the south east it was like confetti or stuff tossed out of windows in a ticker tape parade. I felt the sound before I heard it and it shook everything around me. I heard gasps and screams around me. People were turning away. Everyone with children was leaving the promenade. Some were moving closer.

    The smoke took over everything. I knew that anyone in that building was dead. There was no building. I started to shake, and to weep, and to look around at the others who were in all states of reaction.

    –“What I Saw: Notes Made on September 11, 2001 from Brooklyn Heights”
    https://americandigest.org/saw-notes-made-september-11-2001-brooklyn-heights/

  29. Oh my goodness! I am a reader of American Digest and your blog and noted that he commented on your blog from time to time. I thought these two belong together. Now I am so happy to hear you two had each other for some years but am so profoundly sad that you face this. God grant you both strength for the difficult days ahead and joy in your memories. Thank you both for your enduring wise words. You both are in our thoughts and prayers

  30. Wow, just wow. Only an hour earlier I wrote a note to Gerard, and now to read this from you and your connection to Gerard. I shouldn’t be surprised by your connection, considering both of your blogs. Now my heart hurts doubly, first for Gerard and now for your suffering. You both are in my prayers. As I said in my note to Gerard:

    “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

  33. So sorry to hear of this. Please be well, and I’m sure everyone will patiently wait for your return if you need a time.

  34. Neo: these posts by your readers are to me a monument to what you and Gerard have made with the thoughts and words you shared with us here. Here is real communion among kindred spirits. I am sorry that it comes at such a high price: why does it take such pain to make manifest such kindness? Whatever the power of love and friendship to ease or heal, may it be yours.

  35. It is hard to read stories such as this but it is all to common particularly as we get older. Such sadness.

  36. Yes. Yes, of course that’s how it was. Go. Travel safe.

    Thank you for opening up. It’s a comfort for me to know Gerard has someone near who will have his interests at heart. I would love to have known, or to know, more, but understand that this is the Internet, not a small personal conversation.

    If I knew of a way to help I would, and thank you for pointing out the e-card.

    Do what you must, do what you can. I wish you an eased burden.

  41. Very sorry, neo. I’m more of a lurker than regular commenter here, and I’m not familiar with his blog or writings (though will try to remedy that), but appreciate how much he means to you.

  42. neo:

    First, prayers for you and Gerald. So sad to hear, so sad.

    “Come ye disconsolate,” goes out as prayer for you all.

  43. How amazing that two bloggers that I admire are connected so closely! Please enjoy your remaining time together to the fullest! Bless you both.

  44. Like the others I of course had no idea. I am so sorry, neo, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  46. Dear Neo,
    I have read both you and Gerard almost from the beginning. I have always felt in you a kindred spirit but with a disciplined intellect much beyond mine. I have always been a little in awe of you and deeply aware of how private a person you are — and thus, how wrenching this all must be for you. I believe firmly in God, His sublime power, and His gift through Christ’s sacrifice. He is outside of time and ever attentive to prayer. This has been like a kick in the stomach for all us. For you, now, it will be heart-grinding, soul-stunning, dumbfounding. I pray for your comfort and for your strength to be an instrument of God’s comfort to Gerard. What a demanding privilege is yours.

  47. Very sorry neo. I spent some time on American Digest today. He certainly seems like a man with a good mind and a good heart.

  49. There was so much in this post to comprehend that I wasn’t able to respond fully at first. But, Neo, I’ve been thinking all afternoon about you and Vanderleun (I knew him only from his blog, so by that name.) I am so glad to learn that you two have had each other all this time, and at the same time so sorry that you must lose each other — two sides of a coin of such value. His writing is so much like yours in its depth, seriousness, grace and power that, now that I think of it, I should have suspected this connection between you long ago.

    I’ve been reading his blog for probably as many years as I’ve been reading this one, though not as regularly. Much of his writing lives in my head, such as his posts about large events like September 11th, the fire in Paradise, the health scare he survived some years ago, or the loss of his mother. But Vanderleun also wrote unforgettably about smaller, more personal things that he perceived so vividly and wrote about so wisely. Perhaps my favorite was a post about an unexpectedly joyful sculpture he found in a cemetery, depicting delighted children riding downhill on a sled. The inscription told him that grieving parents had placed the sculpture by their son’s grave, in memory of the joy they had taken in him during his life. Vanderleun made his post into a meditation on sorrow and its roots in joy. I’ve thought of that post so often over the years —

    and now, having revisited it just this past minute, I know why it came to me tonight. Here’s the inscription that the grieving parents placed on the statue and that Vanderleun quoted in his post. It’s almost as if he was sending a message of comfort into the future, to Neo and the many others who will mourn him.

    “Come sit with us awhile and share our sorrow. Though you weep share the joyful memories too. Look in your heart: In truth you mourn for that which has been your delight.

    For Joy and sorrow are inseparable.”

    https://americandigest.org/puddy-the-gift/

  50. Neo, I am sad for you and for Gerard and for me—I’ve read his blog for years. If you can, please tell him that he has greatly enriched many lives, mine included. I especially loved his “Something Wonderful” posts.

    I was pretty sure that you and he had a special relationship, just something I picked up on over the years. May you and he know peace and comfort together. I pray that Mary the Mother of God will help you both through this passage.

  51. I pray for peace for everyone involved.

    Some people’s decency comes across strongly on the internet and it saddens me to hear this.

    Godspeed.

  55. Neo –
    Oh my. My prayers go out to you both. It must have been you, then, who was with him in Seattle when his heart attack happened.
    Your time together since then was, indeed, a gif from God himself & for a reason.

    Godspeed on your flight to the West, to be there for him.

  56. Hello Neo,
    For a long, long time I have read The New Neo and American Digest, each day. Knowing of your and Gerard’s friendship, I am not surprised that you two were drawn to each other, simply by the quality of thinking and writing I’ve found in both places.
    Wishing you God’s able hand in your visit with him.
    So sad, losing a friend like Gerard, reading him without not meeting him personally. He shared himself remarkably well.

  57. In this most difficult time, may you neo and Gerard find the peace that passeth all understanding.

  60. Both of you have provided me islands of sanity in a ever crazier world.

    My prayers for you both.

  62. I pray that this life is a bridge for us to paradise, that Gerard will cross that bridge and that someday you and he and all of us will be there as well.

  63. My sympathies, Neo. Safe travels.

    “No speed of wind or water rushing by
    But you have speed far greater. You can climb
    Back up a stream of radiance to the sky,
    And back through history up the stream of time.
    And you were given this swiftness, not for haste
    Nor chiefly that you may go where you will,
    But in the rush of everything to waste,
    That you may have the power of standing still-
    Off any still or moving thing you say.
    Two such as you with such a master speed
    Cannot be parted nor be swept away
    From one another once you are agreed
    That life is only life forevermore
    Together wing to wing and oar to oar.”

  65. J.
    I hadn’t a clue about any of it, or Gerard, or you.
    Somehow though, is gratifying to know that you not only deserve to have, but do in fact have a relationship of this depth in your life … despite what you are undergoing now.

    I’ll do one of those cards. Since you will be there, you can filter, and If you feel it is appropriate and strikes the right tone you can let the staff give it to him.

    DNW

  66. Very often words written during a crisis are for the writer more than the reader; that isn’t a deficiency but an observation of human nature.

    You know your pain and you will get to know it better, and you will also know your regret, discard that quickly and without looking back.

    There is never enough time, there are always too many mistakes, and there is not enough love and affection. I am very glad to read of your time with Gerard, and your continued deep friendship. Make the most of the life ahead of you, be thankful for your experiences, and use the affection between you as a warm lesson. My sincere prayers for your comfort and peace.

  67. So glad you shared this, Neo. It makes me feel better because I’ve always felt he was alone and this is so much better. I have wanted to be in that room with him now that he is in what could be a final battle or a voyage to a much better place but you belong there. You will both be in my fervent prayers now.

  68. Thanks very much for sharing a piece of your private life with us Neo, it does help bring some meaning and also understanding to a difficult and grave situation. And thank you also for being Gerard’s ‘Updater’ spokesperson, over on his blog page – I think I speak for all of us that the news has been painful, and that we all wish the best for Gerard in this circumstance, and God Speed. I hope your journey is a safe and uneventful one. You both are in our prayers.

  69. DNW:

    Thanks very much, But I realize I forgot to write something at his blog explaining that he’s not at that hospital anymore, so the e-cards won’t reach him anymore.

    Emails or comments can be read to him, but I’m told he’s mostly sedated now. I hope to see him tomorrow and find out.

  71. Thank you so much for sharing this, and thank you for whatever comfort you can give to our beloved friend. We are grateful for the updates.
    God bless.

    JWM

  73. I had just read about Gerard a couple of days ago. I’m thankful you shared your connection and wish you peace moment by moment in the time ahead. I know from experience that it is holy ground when you are with him now. Prayers going up as I type this.

  74. If funds are needed to keep his website up for a while, I would gladly make a substantial contribution. It is appropriate to collate his wonderful essays or thoughts as they were, but I want to carefully reread his poems.

  75. Neo and Gerard – may the Lord bless you and keep you in His care at this difficult time.
    The condolences and memories here and at Gerard’s blog are testimony to the influence both of you have had for good on so very many people.
    You are lights shining in the darkness.

    And ditto what SCOTTtheBADGER said — we can wait.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB2FVlaPM-o
    The Lord Bless You And Keep You – Lutkin – performed live by Octarium

  78. Neo, this is really hard.

    I have visited your and Gerard’s blogs every day for what seems near to two decades. You honored me by putting my short-lived blog on your blogroll years ago.

    I remember October 13, 2011, and frantically going back to American Digest several times a day to find out what had happened. At least this time I know.

    Not only has Gerard written some of the greatest blog posts I’ve ever read, but I have a very old anthology in 8 volumes of the greatest poets of the English language and I know absolutely that in a more just time Gerard’s poetry would be included in any update.

    I am so happy that he has had someone of your wonder and love with him in these last 18 years!!

    In the past few years my remaining brother (Mark) has also read both of your blogs (and Gerard’s new one) every day, and he is a tough sell. Both of us deeply admire both of you.

    May God bless the two of you and hold you both in the Hollow of His Hand.

    I’m shaking. My name is an odd one. When I first wrote a blog and was searching for a pseudonym I asked my brother Brian, who fought in the Marine Corps in Viet Nam 1968 (several Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star with Valor), what he thought of several of my choices and he blew up at me. He said he didn’t fight for this country to have me hide behind a fake name. So I wrote my blog (“A Few Shiny Pebbles”) under all my name, and I also comment thusly. Please tell Gerard that Minta Marie Morze loves him, too.

    The rest, for the moment, is silence.

  79. Thank you to those who posted links to your favorites among Gerard’s essays — they are more than just “posts” — as three of them were ones I had missed (being from before my acquaintance).

    I read through the comments on his powerful, moving eulogy for his uncle Gerard (The Name in the Stone), and agree with Gordon at May 26, 2006, who said this:
    “That was an article that should have been published nationally: Harpers or Atlantic or even The New Yorker. It is my great good fortune to have found it anyway.”

    At the time, any of those periodicals would have been a reasonable choice; now, not so much.
    However, I suspect that the story (and others) will continue to be passed around the internet by those who were touched by Gerard’s loving remembrance, and had the great good fortune to have found it.

    I also agree with Carl that the content of the American Digest needs to be preserved more officially somehow.

  82. Neo, thanks for sharing what I’ve known for years and years. You and Gerard have had a palpable and wonderful connection that transcends open exposure…until now. Each chapter of your relationship has been perfect for that time in your lives. This trip will be so bittersweet. I hope you can hold Gerard’s hand until the end. And later C.S. Lewis comes to mind. Please give him my love, if appropriate. If not, I send you both love and prayers for comfort and healing according to God’s purposes.

  83. P.S. I too am dealing with the slower decline of a good friend of 40 years. We were friends and fishing buddies, then we were a couple, then for the past years best friends and fishing buddies again. He goes for a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow and I will be walking this road with him to the end, God willing.

  84. He is blessed to have a loving friend to rush to his side in his time of crisis.

    May his departure from this life be peaceful. May you find solace in memories of your good times together.

  86. Glad you guys connected.
    Sorry for your current difficulties.
    Met Gerard at the pre-pjm get together in nyc when we all were blogging.
    Lovely man.
    Great observer and analyst.
    Great writer.
    His struggles seem unfair because they are.
    Our existence on this side of life isn’t fair or about fairness; it’s about striving toward perfection, toward Glory.
    “God is not willing to do everything, and thus take away our free will and that share of glory which belongs to us.” — Machiavelli

  90. You were with him when he had that heart attack… weren’t you?

    I told him you were his angel. He didn’t deny it.

    Go to him. Fly. He needs you. You need to be strong for him, his family – and yourself. Tell him we are all praying for him – and for you, too.

  92. Neo, its great you will be there with him, That will bring comfort and a sense of well being for him, bless you.

  93. Neo: I’m sorry that you’re both having to go through this but I’m sure he’ll be grateful to have you by his side. Stay strong.
    – Carl in Atlanta

    (Yes, I’ve been reading you every single day (though lurker mode now) going back to 2012 when I first “discovered” your blog as I was sitting out in the hall at the local hospital just outside my own dying mother’s room. Reading your vibrant and insightful blog was a great comfort to me then and I only wish I could offer you the same kind of solace now.) – Carl

  95. It was almost exclusively Gerard and American Digest content that gave me solace during my battle and recovery from Stage III Multiple Myeloma. Being bed-couch ridden for much of 2010, I read and read links from InstaPundit to American Digest, GateWay and Ace and witnessed the humorous meltdown of LGF. These people along with Carrie Underwood’s w/Vince Gill’s live performance “How Great Thou Art” gave me joy and strength and reasons to fight.

    Every loss to cancer since has been very personal to me. Prior to diagnosis, cancer was always something other people dealt with. Now, every article or note I see where someone’s engaged in a cancer battle is MY battle as well. Even though I’m (thank you Creator) miles from that battlefield. There are no guarantees. This IS the only look at this world we get. I feed the crows, read and play music and enjoy every natural thing like I never observed it before. My wife, is the one who saved me. Her simple questions found the best care I could receive. Be grateful for these moments. Now in my 60’s, realizing time has flown. Find joy, even in the painful moments. This has been a gift, to see and live. Thankful to our Creator and my late Mom, I got to see them being an American.

  96. Neo, there is nothing that can be said, that hasn’t been said already.
    Thoughts and prayers for you both.

  97. Thank you for this. It provides a sort of “completion” for me that I had no hope of finding, but have now found. And adds to the grief, but in a good way.

  98. Neo,

    Hopefully Gerard has the energy on wakening and can read this for himself.
    But if not, perhaps this can be read to him.

    Below is the last stanza of JOHN BROWN’S BODY, by Stephen Vincent Benet
    This epic poem of the Civil War has been called the American ILIAD

    So often in Gerard’s writing, I have thought of this poem.
    Despite everything, his clear-eyed faith in America shines through.

    “So, when the crowd gives tongue
    And prophets, old or young,
    Bawl out their strange despair
    Or fall in worship there,
    Let them applaud the image or condemn
    But keep your distance and your soul from them,
    And, if the heart within your breast must burst
    Like a cracked crucible and pour its steel
    White-hot before the white heat of the wheel,
    Strive to recast once more
    That attar of the ore
    In the strong mold of pain
    Till it is whole again,
    And while the prophets shudder or adore
    Before the flame, hoping it will give ear,
    If you at last must have a word to say,
    Say neither, in their way,
    “It is a deadly magic and accursed,”
    Nor “It is blest,” but only “It is here.”

    http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks07/0700461h.html

    May God comfort you both, and bless your souls’ time together –past, present, and future

  99. As an elderly, I have needed to contemplate death, my own death, at length. I must say it helps me greatly to be a devout member of the Catholic faith. My siblings do not share in this, and I wonder how they will deal with the inescapable nature of their oncoming demise.

  101. This is neither right nor fair. Deepest sympathies to you and Gerard Neo. Barring a miracle we’ll be losing a warrior. He’s touched my soul on many occasions, and this feels like losing a close friend. A man whose brilliance was given to all of us.
    I can relate to your sorrow, having lost a good friend a couple of days ago. We made alot of music together and whenever he was around, there was raucous laughter. We traded good-natured insults often.
    Gerard led a life well lived.
    The Gates of Heaven will be wide open for him.

  102. Gerard has been a rigorous observer and thoughtful commentator. He has had a great gift in your friendship. May the memory of your days together give you warmth in this hard time. God speed Gerard

  103. This stinks. I hope against hope that he gets better. But we already had him longer than we could have, thanks to his previous miraculous recovery.

    God loves him, and He loves you too. I am praying for you both.

  104. I was so sad to read the News about Gerard and I yelled at my computer so loud my wife had to come in and check on me. Both you and Gerard, for about 20 years, have been constant voices of reason in the conservative blog world. You both have had a ‘wait and see’ what the real story is and the depth of love and concern for our nation shines through in your postings. Thank you for being with my dear online friend Gerard at this time. Those of us who have passed the time mile marker of 70 years old are learning, to often, to deal with our friends who are passing on to their next adventure and it sucks to see them slip away, one by one.

    Blessings upon you Neo, Gerard and all of the readers of your web sites as we say goodbye to another fine decent person, he has made a difference and he, for sure, will be missed. Thank you again for being a good friend to our friend Gerard, love to you both and safe travels at this special time.

  107. I have been thinking of you since I read this yesterday. I can’t say more than the other commenters. Bless you both.

  108. Thinking of you at this time, Neo, when you are probably seeing your dear friend, although he may not be able to see you or to understand that you are there. May God receive him, and comfort you

  111. I keep so many of Gerard’s writings bookmarked, but this one especially came back to me today: https://americandigest.org/quite-an-experience-to-live-in-fear-isnt-it-thats-what-it-is-to-be-a-slave/. In that post Rutger Hauer is interviewed and says ‘“For the end line I was hoping to come up with one line where Roy because he understands he has very little time, expresses one bit of the DNA of life that he’s felt,” Hauer says. “How much he liked it. Only one life.”’ Gerard helped me many, many times to NOT live in fear, but rather to *live*. I am blessed to know two bloggers I enjoy so much have, unbeknownst to me, this bond. Praying for him, his family, and you.

  112. Neo, your relationship with Gerard was not quite a secret, there were plenty of hints. I was sorry to hear that he had entered hospice, I will miss his writing, observations, and some very fine poetry. The last days can be terrible, I hope all goes as well as can be expected, and I’m sure your presence will help ease the burden.

  114. Travel mercies. Encouragement to celebrate the time you made memories together. I am sorry for this happening for you both May God cover you with His grace and understanding.

  115. Condolences and Best Wishes. May God give you, and any other loved ones, strength through a trying time.

    — OBloodyHell

  116. I can’t say anything more fitting than Dan Patterson has. Glad that you were his Angel in 2011 and can be with him now.

    Fair winds and following seas, from yet another lurker at both blogs.

  118. Chuck:

    That is a wonderful Vanderleun piece. I believe I read it off an Insty link.

    Earlier in this topic, wishing to avoid hagiography, I soft-pedaled Gerard’s talents as a “fine writer.”

    First, let me use the present tense.

    Gerard is more than fine. I wouldn’t want to say he is great — IMO he isn’t in the vicinity of Joyce, Hemingway, etc. and I doubt he would place himself there — but he is more than fine.

    Gerard Vanderleun is a helluva writer.

  121. AesopFan, PA+Cat:

    Are we still talking about Gerard Vanderleun?

    In the longer run, that’s as may be, but as I read him, he is a born hell-raiser and shit-disturber. A true product of the sixties.

    Conservatives may read him as a God-fearing American speaking up. But he is also, sure as hell, giving the finger to the Left he left behind.

    Good on him.

  122. Oh Neo:

    The news about Gerard was so painful to read, but then as I read on I was so happy to learn of your relationship with him. I wanted to hear more of the time you spent together, but I don’t want to pry into your private life.

    You now have such a heavy burden to bear, but you, of anyone I am familiar with, have the strength to carry this weight.

    Please know you have many followers who want to share your burden, to give you strength and love, but who also want you to have solitude as you need it, privacy as you wish, and prayers to carry you through. F

  123. Ahhh, now I find out that our dear Neo is a Woman Of Mystery!

    I am so glad for both of you – that you found each other and had good times to share together.

    I’m praying for strength, and love, and peace, for you both.

  124. Neo, I was generally ignorant of Gerard’s writing, but I see at this point how much he’s meant to you and many others. I’m glad you can be with him.

  125. huxley:

    I am well aware of Gerard’s hell-raising past in the sixties; I never read him as a “God-fearing American speaking up” but as a fellow survivor of a turbulent period in American history. I started reading AD shortly after 9/11, and he was quite open about his sketchier episodes from the sixties– which was my era too; I’m only two years younger than Gerard and saw the Left up close and personal during the Vietnam era, though I was never attracted to it as he was.

    With regard to Gerard’s version of a pilgrim’s progress, the Bible and later history contains numerous examples of people who had conversion experiences of one type or another, from Paul the Apostle and Augustine of Hippo to Blaise Pascal and Soren Kierkegaard. William James refers to these people as “twice-born”– those who are not naturally optimistic but have had brushes with the darker side of existence. In James’ words, “The process [of soul-making in twice-born people] is one of redemption, not of mere reversion to natural health, and the sufferer, when saved, is saved by what seems to him a second birth, a deeper kind of conscious being than he could enjoy before.”

    I think Gerard was nudged by a series of crises–some personal, like his involvement in two abortions and one near-attempt at suicide, and some collective, like 9/11–to move past his hippie phase, rethink his positions on a number of topics, and post essays that speak to so many of us who lived through the sixties and what followed.

    Another way of putting it– which makes “heaven-sent” an appropriate descriptor for some of us– is that those among us who have been the proverbial good kids all our lives, like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15)– those of us who always colored inside the lines, so to speak, never got so much as a traffic citation, always voted the straight Republican ticket, and never rebelled against our parents– need the witness of the prodigals to remind us of the breadth and depth of God’s mercy.

    YMMV.

  126. Neo, my deepest sympathies. May you get a last brief time with him, and may his memory be a blessing.

  127. PA+Cat:

    Perhaps I should have included a smiley! I didn’t intend a hard disagreement with you or AesopFan, just a note of irony.

    I don’t know how much Gerard’s post-9-11 audience is aware of his radical, hippie past. That’s where I first ran into him.

    Given that, I have no problem with Gerard as a “heaven-sent” or a “helluva” writer.
    ____________________________

    As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments
    of Genius, which to Angels look like torment and insanity….

    –William Blake, “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell”
    https://www.gutenberg.org/files/45315/45315.txt
    ____________________________

    C.S. Lewis disagreed with Blake and wrote “The Great Divorce.”

    I still side with Blake.

  128. Dear Neo, thank you for the updates, for being there now in this terrible moment, and for sharing the comforting news of your tender and long-term relationship with GVDL.

    It’s gratifying to hear that he had your like-minded and daily companionship (even if from afar) all these years.

  129. Gerald is such an irrepressible force of nature a poet in prose that it has been hard for me to gather my thoughts about him. He told us not to ‘go gentle into that dark night not to deny hard truths in place of easy lies

    Phrases like ‘they thirst for death’ encapsulating this surrender syndrome among some parts of the grand ole party. I find it hard to imagine that great shining light that he founded american digest would be dimmed.

  130. I’ve followed American Digest for years and was very saddened to hear the news about Gerard. Thanks for your updates.

  131. I am so stunned and sad to hear about Gerard, and sad for you as well American Digest was one of the 1st blogs I ever read, and his 9/11/2001 post has always stayed with me. Sending strength, support & condolences during this crisis.

  133. Neo, this is heartbreaking news. I loved following Gerard’s work for years, and yours as well, as a lurker. You are in my prayers.

  135. Pingback:Remembering Gerard Van der Leun: Bon Voyage, — Mon Semblable, — Mon Frère! – An anarchist journal of heresy and thoughtcrime

  136. Pingback:Prayer Request – The Laughing Wolf

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