Finding a family through 23andMe
Genetic testing can reveal a lot of secrets, sometimes painful ones that tear families apart. And yet—as in this video—sometimes they bring them together in mysterious ways.
[NOTE: The video can’t be embedded, but if you click on the link you can watch it at Vimeo.]
This is very sensitive stuff, I was adopted at the end of WWII by parents who had already adopted a son and daughter years older and then they adopted me and my sister two years younger than me. We were raised by wonderful, kind loving, well educated parents and any mistakes we made in our lives were ours to own, not to be blamed on our parents. Life was good in the 1940’s, 50’s and early 60’s where we lived.
In the early 1990’s my mom had been dead for a few years and my dad in bad shape so my sisters started getting his stuff together and they discovered that in his safe deposit box he had all of the documentation where each of us was signed over for adoption by our birth mothers who had given us birth in a facility for unwed mothers. I had may birth mom’s name and place of birth and I decided that I would let it all be since I was who I was and she might not need the distraction of me showing up in her later life. I was content to let it rest.
Then for Christmas two years ago my daughter gave me one of those DNA tests to see where my origins were, I was raised by Scots, English parents and thought this would be fun. It was fun and my origins were Scots, English and that was great and then a very close relative showed up as a first or second cousin. I looked her up on the internet and there she was listed as a grandchild of my birth mother on her obituary several years ago, she lived into her 90’s, who had three daughters and one son.
I called my daughter and told her we needed to be careful with the information and think about how, if ever we wanted to approach these folks. My daughter called me the next morning and said she had contacted the 1/2 niece on FaceThing and they talked and cried together a bit. I talked to the niece also and sent her copies of all of my documentation including her grandmother’s signature which she recognized. I made it clear that I did not want to be any kind of intrusion in their lives and I wanted to be very respectful of their situation.
Now I have found three sisters who are very nice smart women with families and one brother who likes very much like me except he is about four inches taller and we share the same hobbies, shooting competition a lot. It gets even more nutty since my daughter’s husband took a new job this last year and relocated the family 1/2 way across the USA and now my daughter lives within less than 100 miles of the sisters.
We will meet this fall and they have been great wonderful people to exchange phone calls, photographs and emails to their older brother when they had no idea their mother had even dated anyone until she met their dad. She was 22 when I was born and I have come to know that she was a very remarkable woman raising her family and living a good life.
We found a cousin who had been given up for adoption by my wife’s sister 50 years ago. MY daughter connected with him and he decided to contact his mother. He is a successful guy and had only an interest in learning who his birth mother was. The timing was good as his mother was developing a dementia and they had some conversations. Both parties seem content.
Fortunately I know all of my living family including 4th cousins, and we have family documentation going back to the 1740s. If there are others I am unaware of I am not doing a DNA test to find them. I don‘t trust a for profit or nonprofit company with that information. I come from hillbilly culture, knowing who is kin is very important.
I am glad I don’t have any mysteries about where I come from, beyond Scot-Irish ancestors who never crossed the Atlantic. However, I understand the curiosity of those who have an unknown past, and of course it is natural to want to know those connections. As the Godfather says, family is everything.
parker:
I had no mysteries, like you.
I thought. I thought I was sure.
But DNA testing revealed several. An ancestor’s affair over 100 years ago, leading to an unexpected cousin, for example. A few other things as well. Total surprise. Everyone has been great, actually, although I know that’s not always the case.
I am not going to share intimate biological information with an entity that hasn’t been forthcoming with the end use of the results. Small print disclaimers and the weasel words don’t count as disclosure.
I did the ancestry test but declined to find any relatives since I basically know who is who. Via a 1930 census, I already know that 3/4 of my great grandparents were born in Ireland, the 4th was born in Illinois. On Mom’s side, she was born in Riga Latvia. At some point in time, I’ll try to find more information, but Mom wasn’t ready to tell us about her life and she died with that info. In a way, I want to respect her wishes.
However, I kept a bunch of Latvian language books and other things which I need to figure out what I need to save for my nieces. Mom became an American and never taught us her languages (Latvian, Russian, German, Polish, ?). Her English was creative at times and I always knew when she was anxious or excited since “the” and “a/an” would disappear. Reading got even harder when she would forget the verbs… Memories!
Another memory – when cleaning out the home, I found her wedding gown, and other things! She never showed these things to her daughters. She did keep a pressed rose from Riga and I cherish it as a memory.
neo @ 11 pn,
Yeah sometimes people can not keep it in their pants or panties. When that may happen, I have zero curiosity about such persons who might be family. If such a person or his/her ancestors want to contact me I gladly communicate with them. I would not consider them family, they already have their own families.
IMO, kin is about blood and shared, known history. I am old fasion, I know. Good night, it has cooled down enough to turn off the AC and open the windows. My sweet heart is already sleeping and i will snuggle with her, careful to not awake her.
I can’t help but think that an awful lot of things that took place, especially children conceived—during the upheaval, fear, and chaos of WWII—have been and are being revealed by these genetic testing outfits, to many people’s surprise and sometimes chagrin.
Pretty hard to revise your ideas of who you are and where you came from at this many decades removed from WWII.
I wonder if some of these outfits had any real idea of or were really ready for the hornet’s nest that their results may have stirred up?
Snow on Pine:
You are so correct. I don’t think the companies thought it through, initially. But they sure have now, because it’s relatively common. I’ve read a lot of articles about it, and I plan to write one at some point.
In my own case, the new knowledge didn’t shake anything up all that much. It wasn’t actually about my own heritage. It also didn’t directly involve my parents, which helps. But it was fascinating and presented me with a mystery to solve for someone else, someone I had never heard of before and yet is one of my closest genetic relatives in the world. She took it all in stride, too. That’s not always the case.
Disclaimer: I worked at Ancestry.com for about a year, and my wife worked there for 3 years. The stories I could tell you….
Suffice it to say, at least 1 call I got everyday was from someone who had just found a birth family. There is an amazing feeling you get when you get those family connections and realize you’re no longer adrift in the world, without history or roots.
I never realized how powerful it was until I had my own DNA test done and started to get matched to cousins I never knew existed (because none of my grandparents ever brought up family history, other than as occasional stories–but never where we were from). I suddenly had a family history stretching back 1000+ years and spanning 3 continents. What had been family rumors became rooted in other people in other lands sharing the same snippets of DNA, tracing back to common ancestors.
I could go on about the privacy protections Ancestry has in place, and the ways given for people to opt out of sharing their personal DNA. But for most of us, it’s an amazing time to be able to connect to so many others and realize just how small this world is and how we are all inter-related. I can’t speak about the other DNA testing companies, other than to say if you’re considering taking a test, do some research into what each company has to offer and where their focus lies. Ancestry is about connecting with family and genealogical research.
Another Joe:
I have had a somewhat similar experience. Those of us who are not adopted (me) but who have VERY small extended families may find a similar experience of expansion. I don’t have a big interest in genealogy but I do have an interest in people and connections. Some of the stories are very touching. My own is less dramatic but very meaningful to me nonetheless. I’ve also learned that the few family stories that were passed down to me were true (at least the ones I’ve been able to get any documentation at all on).
I also think Ancestry is best in general, for many reasons. However, 23andMe has much more information connected with genetic propensity for diseases, if that’s what a person is looking for.
Old Texan:
I’m glad things worked out well for you.
In my own experience, I have found that if you’re interested in finding genetic connections to ancestors/relatives in Europe, especially in countries other than just, say, the U.K. you will have much more luck using My Heritage, which also has more functionality than Ancestry.
Family Tree DNA is more technically oriented than Ancestry and, then, there is Gedmatch.com.
An interesting new approach is used by DNA Painter, which enables you to pictorially overlay parts of DNA you have in common with matches, chromosome by chromosome.
Thank you Neo ~ it was a nice surprise ~
My family found three generations of cousins through Ancestry DNA, stemming from a secret adoption many decades back. A wonderful discovery.