Remembering jokes
I often hear someone tell a really funny joke and think, “I must remember that one.”
But I almost never do; they seem to evaporate almost as soon as I hear them. I’ve tried practicing, but it rarely helps.
Some people (my brother, for example) have a vast repertoire of set pieces and can entertain others for hours with them, doing all the voices and acting out the parts just right. But I’m fortunate even to be able to access and deliver the five or six I’ve laboriously managed to retain over the years.
It’s not that I’m not humorous. But whatever wit I have tends to be of the ad-lib, spontaneous variety (not that there’s anything wrong with that). And I’m pretty decent at telling funny stories about things that happened to me, events from my own life.
But both seem to tap into a different skill than telling the joke that’s a set piece. Anyone have any pointers on how to improve in that arena?
A guy walks into a bar…
No. A HORSE walks into a bar. Bartender says: “Why the long face?”
gcotharn: see?
2-Drunks, passed out, belly-up, on a beach somewhere…They start coming around..One guy looks up at the sky and says,”Man, you know if that’s the sun or the moon up there..?”
Other guy looks up and shrugs,”Don’t know,Dude. I’m not from around here.”
🙂
A woman runs down the beach screaming, “Help! Help! My son the doctor is drowning”.
Visiting New York City I discovered that my watch crystal was cracked. I walked by a store that had a bunch of clocks in the window so I went in. I asked the man at the counter if they repaired watches.
“No,” came the response, “I am a moyle.”
So, I asked why he had the clocks in the window.
“So,” he asked in return, “What should I display in the window?”
From my daughters who are blonde:
A blonde needs some extra money and starts canvassing the town for odd jobs. After many tries at last at a house the man responds that his porch needs painting. The blonde gladly says she’ll do it. He tells her the paint is in the garage and to go ahead. Two hours later the blonde knocks on the door and the man answers to hear her say she is done. Somewhat surprised, the man steps out and says, “But the porch isn’t even painted!” “Sure it is,” says the blonde, “and for free I painted the Cadillac too!”
I have read Prairie Home Companion and Steve Allen joke books. Read and learn/memorize.
One joke which I have heard in many different versions from different nationalities has a plane that fails in mid air. The pilot bails out with three parachutes remaining for the four passengers, one of them being a hippie with a backpack. While the passengers are giving their explanations of why each should be the one who gets a parachute, the doofus passenger jumps out the plane with what he thinks is a parachute, but which turns out to be the hippie’s backpack.
Here are some examples:
An Englishman tells the joke, w the object of the joke being an Irishman.
Teller: Bolivian. Object/doofus: Argentine.
Teller: U Texas person.Object/doofus: Aggie(Texas A&M)
Teller: Chinese student. Object/doofus: Li Peng
( in charge of China during Tianamen)
Someone sent me this one recently:
An Irish Ghost Story…
John, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, could only watch and pray — but the hand never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying with terror and relief — and that he was stone cold sober.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..
‘Look Paddy…..there’s that frikkin’ idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!
In Ireland, Kerrryman jokes are as ubiquitous as Aggie jokes are in TX. Here is a site with Kerryman jokes, which as it reminds me of the oh-so-brilliant and articulate senior Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusettes, I have labeled the website as John F Kerryman.
You described me to a “t” – I wish I had better joke recollection, but I manage to ruin pretty much any joke I tell with the punchline. I rely on my bf to do the honors, when I can’t recall a joke (very anti-feminist of me, I know!) 😛
Become a bar fly, in my other life I would remember a joke by listening to someone else tell a joke then as soon as they finished I could chime in with another one , and so on and so forth.
Funny though some of the same jokes I can remember ain’t funny at all, now that I am sober.
Here’s one for you!
Did you ever wonder why there are ‘No Dead Penguins’on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact the penguin is a very ritualistic bird.
It lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life,as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contactwith its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:
“FREEZE a jolly good fellow.”
“Then, they kick him in THE ICE HOLE.”
(Did you really believe I know anything about penguins?)
Courtesy of The Anchoress (with a H/T to her reader Dick T.)
THE BAGPIPER’s TALE; a Personal Testimony
As a bagpiper, I’m often called upon to play at weddings, military events, and funerals. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so
the service was set at the county pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back woods.
I was not familiar with the backwoods and soon found myself lost. Being a typical man I didn’t stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late — the staff from the funeral home was long gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play….
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept. I wept. We all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
http://www.firstthings.com/blogs/theanchoress/2009/12/14/the-bagpipers-tale/
A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
From Ninotchka, joke Melvin Douglas tells Greta Garbo (roughly as follows): A fellow goes to a restaurant and asks the waiter for a cup of coffee without cream. A few moments later the waiter returns and says, “Sorry, we’re all out of cream, it will have be without milk.”
This via a Myron Cohen TV appearance, eons ago:
Two Nazis arrive in London during WW II to act “very British”, blend in with the population, and report back information. After registering at their hotel, they go to the hotel bar and one of them says to the bartender, “Say, old chap, two martinis please.” Bartender: “Dry?” Nazi: “Nein, zwei!!!”
Telling jokes used to be a guy thing in high school. Sexual freedom seems to have taken its toll on the dirty joke.
What did the man say after his cat had been run over by a steam roller?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
A blond walked int o a bar…and said “Ouch!”
That’s the only kind of joke I can tel – short and punny.
I recommend a very easy-to-use mnemonic system. For example, “a guy walks into a bar” would remembered by reciting to yourself the following phrase:
Ants
Go
Under
Your
Window
And
Like
Knocking
Sense
Into
Nothing
That
Orbits
Around
Bach
And
Rachmoninoff
and so on.
It’s a pretty standard memorization technique that, though I can recommend it only for very, very, very short jokes. I tried utilizing mnemonics on a Dennis Miller rant that someone tells me I particularly enjoyed and ended up losing about a year laying comatose in the hospital, or so my family tells me. Wish I could remember.
Anyway, ya wanna be careful is all I’m sayin’.
Whoo! Sloppy typing! Never comment on the fly.
Only tip I can offer is to practice. First build a repertoire of a few that you can reliably remember and deliver (and which would cover the gamut of encounters in which you’d want to tell a joke.) Then slowly add to your repertoire.
Kinda lame advice, but I think that’s what it boils down to.
A guy is watching his favorite show on TV and hears a knock on the door.
He gets up, walks over, opens the door and no one is there. Then he happens to look down, sees a snail right in front of the door and realizes it was the snail that interrupted his TV. Annoyed, he kicks the snail out to the edge of the lawn.
Six months later he is watching TV and hears a knock at the door. He gets up, opens the door, looks out and no one is there. Then he looks down and there is that snail. Looking up at him, the snail asks, “What the hell was THAT all about?”
SteveH: That made me remember one of my five or six jokes. It’s the one that goes:
Ta-da!!
One of my favorites was from a heavyset comedian/actor named Max Alexander who claimed that he’d tried the grapefruit diet once. He unfortunately overdid it and ate two dozen grapefruit that first morning. Every time he went to the bathroom the rest of the day, he kept squirting himself in the eye.
Three dumb blondes were frolicking on the beach in their typical dumb blonde way: They were cavorting and giggling. All of a sudden, one of them stops when she spies a bottle. She picks up the bottle, and starts tossing the bottle to her typical dumb blonde friends. Somehow, in all their cavorting, they manage to dislodge the cork in the bottle. A genie appears.
The genie sees the three girls and says, “Normally, I grant three wishes to a person. Since there are three of you, I’ll grant you one wish each.”
So the first dumb blonde, chewing and smacking her gum, says, “I’m tired {CHOMP, CHOMP, SMACK} of bein’ a dumb blonde. I wanta be smartuh.”
POOF!
She was a brunette.
The second dumb blonde says, “Ya know sumptin’? I’m tired {CHOMP, SMACK, CHOMP} of bein’ a dumb blonde, too! In fact, {CHOMP} I wanta be smartuh, but smartuh than her!”
POOF!
She was a redhead.
The third dumb blonde said, “Ya know what? {CHOMP, CHOMP, SMACK} I like bein’ a dumb blonde. {CHOMP} Guys take ya outta dinnuh, they buy ya gifts, they take ya on trips. {CHOMP, SMACK} I like bein’ a dumb blonde so much, I wanta be dumbuh!”
POOF!
She was a man.
OK. I’ll echo Lame-R. Repetition. Whether its the martial arts, basket weaving, typing or joke telling, repetition breeds skill.
Like Lame-R said, find four or five good jokes you can easily remember (I’m sure by the time this comment thread has run its course, you’ll have plenty to choose from).
The key is to then pick the funniest, and tell it to 10 different people. You’ll start to get a sense by the third or fourth person what you’re doing wrong. And what you’re doing right.
Talk slow with mild enthusiasm, making sure to avoid a monotone.
For getting good at telling jokes, personally, I recommend Helen Keller jokes. They’re quick and punchy. Also not many people know a deaf AND blind person so you usually aren’t offending anyone. Usually.
Why did Helen Keller have holes in her face?
She tried eating with a fork.
How did she burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron. How did she burn the other side?
They called back. (I know, I know, she was deaf. But I still think its funny)
Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?
You wind it up and it bumps into furniture.
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive a car?
She was a woman.
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Endless Love.
Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a G Spot?
A: A guy will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.
The key to re-telling a joke you have heard is to remember just the punch line; then, when you go to re-tell it, build the joke anew.:
‘ I want the man Who shot my paw!’ doesn’t have to take place in a bar.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi turns to the priest and asks Is this a joke?
For some reason I can remember somewhat off-color jokes effortlessly, but usually can’t recall a clean one to save my life.
Example 1
I really wanted a sweater for my birthday but got a moaner instead.
Example 2
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch doing nothing. 1st one says to the 2nd, “So, do you still get horny?”
2nd, “Sure I do.”
1st, “Well, what do you do about it?”
2nd, “Oh, I just suck on a lifesaver.”
Pause
1st, “Well, who drives you to the beach?”
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Why the long face”?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender points it out and the pirate says ruefully, “Yar, and it’s drivin’ me nuts….”
An old English dame was at a party, and thought, “All my life I’ve been staid and proper–before I die, I want to do something scandalous!” So she stripped off her gown and underclothes and streaked across the ballroom.
Two old men at a table watched.
“Was that the Lady Farnsworth running across the ballroom?”
“Yes, I believe it was….”
“What was she wearing?”
“I don’t know, but it needed a damn good ironing….”
A private, a sergeant and a lieutenant were captured by the enemy and sentenced to be shot by a firing squad. The sergeant was led to the wall first, and as the squad prepared to shoot he yelled, “Omigod!!! It’s a tornado!!” The firing squad panicked and ran for cover, the sergeant climbed the wall and escaped. Later, they placed the private against the fall. “Oh, crap, it’s a flash flood!”, he yelled and then ran to safety when the squad panicked.
The lieutenant watched the two and got the idea–sort of. When the squad commander yelled, “Ready–aim….” The lieutenant yelled, “Fire…!!!”
Neo: Do you think that maybe some of us just aren’t wired for telling jokes? I too can tell a funny story and people laugh and I know that people think I am quite witty and funny….but I cannot remember jokes or punch lines. I am also not good with directions. Do you think there is a connection?
No advice or funny jokes from me. Just empathy.
“Fall”? Oops, definitely bedtime–always leave the audience wanting more….
Maybe this will help.
I just ad lib.
I R A Darth Aggie: that’s a good one! I will try to remember…
jThoits: Perhaps. I am also terrible with directions; I need to write them down if they are the least bit complex.
I just had an idea—I think it all may have to do with my difficulty with auditory learning.
So, this baby seal walks into a club…..
Just heard this from my 11 yo stepdaughter and she swindled me in perfectly ‘cuz she knows me pretty well:
Child: Hey, Gray: do you know that studies have proven that pandas are the least racist of all animals?
Me: Oh, no…. Are they teaching you this crap in school? How can an animal be racist?
Child: Yeah, I learned this in school…. Pandas are the least racist animal ‘cuz they are black, white and asian.
Me: You got me.
Child: Hahahahaha! You’re dumb! Can I punch you in the stomach now?
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains she has practically make her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and every so gently lets out a very dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Rover!”.
The woman thought, “This is great! He thinks it’s the dog!”. A big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Rover!”. Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes! This is perfect!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it nor did she hold back. She ripped a fart so big and so loud that it made the windows vibrate.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Damn-it Rover get away from that woman before she shits on you!
…. and his buddy says, “That had to HURT!”.
think it all may have to do with my difficulty with auditory learning.
Yeah…. That would make retaining and repeating jokes pretty much impossible.
I, on the other hand, am very much an “auditory learner”. Words go right into my head as images, textures, and feelings without translation. When I remember the images, feelings and textures the words created, I hear the words and can repeat them.
I’d rather listen to talk radio or listen to music than see a movie.
I (still!) have a hard time “sight reading” music, though I read music well, but once I hear the piece, I’ve got it. I can play a couple hours of music from memory, note perfect, but I’d have a helluva time writing the music down.
The difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? People typically take off their shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Long joke, favorite punchline:
“Nooooooo, Juan! Is no’ a bacon tree! Is a Hambush!”
You can fill in the rest of the joke….
I was so depressed I called the suicide hotline and got a call center in Pakistan. The guy got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.
Back in the ’90’s a pretty young woman was part of a group of visitors on the White House tour. But she soon became bored with it and decided to explore on her own. She found herself in one of the off-limits bathrooms and decided, since it was the middle of summer, that she may as well take a quick shower to refresh herself. Besides, she thought, what a great story it will be to tell everyone back home.
Not long after she had disrobed and entered the shower stall, however, she heard the voices of several men approaching. In a fit of panic she wrapped all her garments about her head in order to conceal her identity, and fled the living quarters.
As she streaked out into the hall, she left behind her a surprised President Clinton, V-P Gore, and James Carville. Carville immediately quipped, “Ah’m sure relieved that that wasn’t my lil’ Mary!”
Gore responded, ” And I’m glad that it wasn’t Tipper.”
To which Clinton replied, “Well, whoever she was, gentlemen, she certainly isn’t on the White House staff.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke
I just laughed very, very hard at the last joke on that page.
The Funniest Joke In The World
This one for earth scientists:
An out of work geophysicist goes into a McDonald’s to ask for a job. He fills out an application and as the manager reads it he says, “listen I know I overqualified but I can do the work and I need the job”.
The manager answers back “it’s not that, it’s just that most of our geophysicists have Master’s and PhDs”.
Too funny. Despite the fact that I have a photographic memory with most things (I remember all sorts of useless things & regularly startle friends & family with my recall of minutia), I can’t remember a joke for my life!
My father, at 87, still is the best joke teller I’ve ever known. He can remember long story jokes and cracks up everyone regularly.
It really is an interesting thing: I think you’re either a joke-rememberer….or not. Don’t think there’s an in-between.
There’s only one joke I haven’t forgotten:
“What is red (read), white & black all over?
Answer (duh): A newspaper.
You have to tell it every chance you get. That way you remember plus your delivery is perfected. That is why comics have few friends or family .
Gray:
A la bagpipe/trampoline:
What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No one cries when you cut up an accordion.
Neo:
A la dyslexic agnostic insomniacs:
A recently seen bumper sticker-
DYLSEXIES UNTIE!
Heloise Helpful Hint for recalling a joke:
Visualize it. Of course, you run the risk of going cross-eyed if it’s like the bumper sticker above.
Csimon, what is black and white and red all over is an embarrassed zebra.
So this baby seal walks into a club…
An atom walks into a bar. “You look unhappy,” says the bartender. “What’s the problem?”
“Oh,” replies the atom, “I’m upset because I’ve lost an electron.”
“Lost an electron?” asks the bartender. “Are you sure?”
The atom replies, “I’m positive.”
Sadly, the jokes I know are not something I could post here…lol.
However, the best advice I could give regarding delivering a joke effectively is this:
Always remember WHY the joke is funny.
This will help you remember the punchline, and you can fill in or even vary the details of the joke from one telling to another depending on your audience.
It’s not an exercise in memory retention, getting the joke word for word exactly the same so much as it’s about telling a humorous mini-story in an entertaining way as a means of getting to the punchline that is funny.
Sorry, neo-neo, I can’t help you.
I can’t remember jokes either.
Besides, all jokes are just variations on a couple of dozen basic jokes.
Spontaneous wit is the better type of humour, than formulaic punchlines, imho.
Hey – I remembered one I can tell publicly!
An old woman goes to the doctor and complains that she is experiencing terrible flatulence.
The doctor listens attentively as she describes her problem, and she ends by explaining it’s not so bad as her flatulence is silent and doesn’t smell.
As a matter of fact, she describes how she broke wind at least a dozen times while she was in his office.
The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
Her next appointment arrives and she complains to the doctor that he did something terribly wrong – her flatulence now smells horrible!
As a matter of fact, she’s never smelled anything so bad in all of her long life!
The doctor nods affirmatively, makes a few notes on her file, then he says “Now that we have your sense of smell fixed, let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”
CV I play the Highland bagpipes.
One day I hope to play in tune!
So…this blonde’s house was on fire and she called 911 to report it. They guy said, “Ok lady tell us how to get there” She said, ” Duh, in your big red truck!”
So…this cannibal was eating a comedian and turned to his pal and said, “Here, see it this tastes funny.”
So…a bear and a rabbit where s@#*ting in the woods when the bear turned to the rabbit and asked, “Does s#*t stick to your fur?” “No” said the rabbit. So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
To answer your question – keep them short, practice them, specialize in a certain type of joke.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Know what you mean Neo. I really struggle with jokes.
My wife says that I am one of the funniest people that she knows (in a complimentary sense, I think). I do surprise myself on occasion, but it is always spontaneous, and in a setting in which I am very comfortable.
I could never be a comedian. I could never be funny on command.
Why do blondes drive convertibles?
Because they have more leg room.
To expand on what Scottie said, understand the punch line and why it makes the joke funny.
Most jokes are ruined because either the punch line is telegraphed or even stated early, or the requirements for the punch line are left out of the joke.
If you can remember the punch line and why it is funny and the general gist of the rest of the joke, then you can use your ability to spontaneously tell a funny story to re-tell the joke.
And then make sure that you review the joke in your head before telling it.
Brian
Remember the general punch line and general setting then filling the blanks.
Ex: Left as ambigioius, Blonds – low IQ, Disney Land
Two blonds were driving to Disney Land when the saw a sign up ahead that said, “Disney Land Left”
So they turned around and went home.
I agree with the additions Brian made to my original contribution, and would like to add another observation.
In order for the joke to be funny it should not be necessary to explain the punch line.
Did you hear about the blonde who was fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the W’s.
Jesus came across a screaming mob one day while walking beside the lake. He asked what was going on and was told they were about to stone to death a woman who had committed adultery.
Jesus forced his way to the front of the crowd and raised his arms. The crowd fell silent. In a loud voice he said,
“Let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone!”
All was quiet, then a little old lady pushed through to the front, picked up a large stone and smashed it into the woman’s face, leaving her cut and bleeding.
Jesus turned to the old woman and said, “You know Ma, you don’t half pee me off sometimes”.
My favorite clean joke:
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “I’d like a cheeseburger and a large fries!”
The librarian responds sternly, “Excuse me, sir, but this is a library.”
“Oh oh, I’m so sorry” the man says and then whispers “I’d like a cheeseburger and a large fries…”
My favorite equal-opportunity offensive joke:
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together and pass a delicate, fair-haired boy of about eleven. The priest turns to look after the boy has passed and, letting out a low whistle, says, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to screw that kid!” The rabbi says, “Yeah, but out of what?”
Just memorize the punch lines. Then, when you want to tell the joke, construct the joke in your head with your audience in mind. It’ll be better that way. Don’t worry. You have plenty of time. After all, no one even suspects you are making up a joke because it’s all happening in your head. Then spring it when you have it figured out and is perfect.
There’s one I get to use about once a year, when I happen to be having dinner somewhere and one of the dishes has hollandaise sauce.
“This hollandaise sauce is delicious, but the presentation is wrong.”
(my companions stare at me blankly)
“You see, hollandaise should not be served on china. It should always be served on a chrome plate.”
(someone says “really?” or “why?”)
“Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
My favorite pun:
A man forwarded an email to all of his friends and acquaintances containing ten puns. He hoped that at least one of the puns would make his friends laugh. Unfortunately, the puns were so awful that no pun in ten did.
Jokes about Helen Keller are in poor taste, but I’ve always wondered:
If Helen Keller fell over in a forest, would she make a sound?
The constable pulls over a car he has observed weaving across lanes.
He can smell the beer when the driver rolls down the window to ask “Whats the problem, officer?”
The constable asks “Have you been drinking tonight, sir?”
The driver responds “well…yeah I’ve had a few..”
The constable says “I thought so. Did you know that when you took that last left turn your wife fell out of the car?”
The driver repsonds, “She did!?..Oh thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!”
Tim was born and became a “perfect” child, smart, sports star, good-looking, everything a parent could want except that he had yet to speak a single word. During his 18th birthday dinner he looked at his Mother and said, “the peas are cold”. Mother fainted, Father overjoyed. When his mother was revived, Father asks, “Tim, why is it that you have not spoken ’til now?”
Tim replied, “up to now, everything’s been great.”
An Irishman is late for an important business meeting and can’t find a parking place.
Desperately, he prays, “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise, no more Irish whiskey, and I’ll go to church every Sunday!”
Miraculously, a parking space opens up right ahead.
The Irishman looks up and says, “Never mind, I found one.”
The only joke I can manage to remember is the Booger Joke.
“Did you hear about the towelhead who pulled an eleven-pound booger out of his nose?
“His head collapsed before he could eat it.”
[I know, I know!]
OK, let’s see. I concur that the trick is to recall the punch line and the general setting, not the specifics of the story — that only leads to stilted tale-telling.
Example:
======
Three guys are walking along a beach, an American, a Quebecois, and a Canuck. They encounter an old-looking bottle drifting at the edge of the surf, which they open, and, lo and behold — out pops a Genie.
Seeing as there’s three of them, the Genie offers them one wish apiece.
The American quickly says, “I’d like to be driving away from here in a brand new Porche with a million dollars in the bank and a gorgeous blonde supermodel madly in love with me in the passenger seat.” POOF! He’s in the car, and waves goodbye to his friends as he drives off.
The Quebecois says, “I wish freedom and independence for my beloved Quebec! Please build a wall a mile high around her, that nothing can get in or out of, and then put me inside!” POOF, he disappears in a puff of smoke.
The Canuck asks: “This wall. It’s a mile high and nothing can get in or out?” The Genie nods in assent.
“OK, fill it with a half mile of water.”
The only details there you really have to remember are the punch line, the Canuck, the Quebecois, and the mile high wall that nothing can get in or out. Any other aspects of it, including what the American wants, or even that the third guy is an American, is superfluous and can be filled in as needed.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because he heard the ref was blowing fouls.
🙂
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
at him: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?” And this poor quaking little monkey stuttered in reply: “Y-y-yo-ou a-are of c-course! N-no one is-is m-mightier than you.” Satisfied, he saunters off, leaving the quivering monkey gasping in relief.
A little while later he comes upon a zebra, who he immediately pounces on and bears to the ground, and, with his dripping jaws in the terrified zebra’s face, he bellows out: “WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?” The zebra, shaking so hard it can barely speak, manages to stammer: “Oh great and mighty tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle.”
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered off, and, a little bit later. comes upon an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roars at him at the top
of his lungs: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?”
The elephant looks at him, annoyed, grabs the tiger by the scruff with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; slams him down again, picks him up and does an airplan spin with the tiger, and, releasing him, throws him violently flying fifty yards smack into a huge tree.
The stunned and abused tiger staggers slowly to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: “Man, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have
to get so pissed!”
With that one, the punch line, again, the “Mightiest of all the jungle animals” (vary it each time a little, of course), and the elephant are all you need to recall. The other two just need be some smaller, more easily cowed animal who would obviously be easy prey for a tiger.
One thing to realize is that, depending on how you do it, you also can draw a joke out. The above joke could be about half as many words, but drawing it out increases the anticipation and the suddenness of the surprise at the end. It’s that sharp, sudden shift of expectation that is the heart of any joke. The obvious thing people are expecting is some kind of wise-ass comment from the elephant, so, when they get blind-sided by the blatantly foolish denial of the tiger, it makes it all the more deliciously unexpected. If you can, for example, try and work (after you can tell the joke itself well enough), on making the voices for the two small animals, even with the stuttering, if you can. Most people can do SOME voices that carry the tone and add to the joke.
When the surgeon came to see a young lady on the morning after her operation, the petite miss asked the surgeon somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. “I really haven’t thought about it,” gulped the stunned surgeon. “You’re the first patient who’s asked me that after a tonsillectomy!”
=========================
“I’ve been working on a theory that premature hair loss is caused by sexual dysfunction.”
“But you blame everything on sexual dysfunction.”
“No, ignorance and skepticism I blame on an abnormally small penis.”
– dialogue from the comic book ‘Flesh Gordon’-
=========================
All religious philosophies are based in Shit:
Hinduism: This Shit happened before.
Islam: If Shit should happen, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let the Shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens to you because YOU are fundamentally bad.
Judaism: Oy Vey, Why does this Shit happen to us?
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit.
=========================
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick!
– Bill Kirchenbaum –
There’s one that’s attributed to Lewis Grizzard (he told it, I doubt if he originated it).
A guy walks up to the counter at the store, and, in a thick southern drawl, says, “Ah’d laik an RCee and a moon-pie, please!”
The clerk looks at him oddly, and says, “You’re from Alabama, aren’t you?”
The guy, suddenly bristling, responds, “Ah resent the allegation! I resent the aligatee… Tell me: If I came up here and ast you for some spaghetti, would you think ah was Eytalian?”
“Mmmm, no.” the clerk responds.
“If I came up here and ast you for some vodka, would you assume ah was Rooshin?”
“Nope” came the clerk’s swift reply.
“And if ah came up here and ast you for some sushi, would you assume ah was Japanese?”
“Not at all” the clerk concurred.
“So wah is it, when ah come up to you an’ ask you for an RC an a moon-pie,” the guy asks, clearly in a high dudgeon, “thet you just ASSUME I’m from Alabama?”
“Well, sir, this IS a hardware store.”
Two vaguely similar themes, both sufficiently off-color so you’ll have to pick the audience:
A guy comes to his doctor, and won’t say to the receptionist what his problem is — he’ll only talk about it to the doctor in private. But it’s an emergency, and he needs to see the doc right away.
The doc gets him into his examining room, and asks what the problem is.
With an embarrassed and scared tone in his voice, “Well, doc. It’s…. it’s my penis. It’s turned bright orange!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, doc, really!”
The doctor examines him, and, indeed, it’s a shade of dayglo orange.
“Tell me. Have you been exposed to any chemicals at work?”
“No, doc, I’ve been out of work for months…”
“What about your girlfriend or wife…. is there any chance she might have given you anything?”
“Naw, doc, I haven’t had a girlfriend in over a year.”
“What about vacations, have you been anywhere?”
“”With what money, doc? I’ve been out of work…”
“This is very, very strange. What do you do with your time, then, if I may ask?”
“Not much, doc. With no money, and no job, I pretty much stay home all day surfin’ the internet for porn and eating Cheetos…”
==========================
Along similar lines:
A guy goes on a business trip to Thailand, and avails himself of the local female talent to relieve pent up sexual pressures.
Everything seems fine until, about six weeks later, he wakes up and, when he goes to the bathroom, he looks down and screams, as he sees that his penis is suddenly all the colors of the rainbow — green and orange and purple and blue and red and yellow, and a few more shades tossed in for good measure.
He goes to the doctor, who runs some tests immediately, then comes back and tells him that, he’s sorry, but they’re going to have to amputate.
“No, doc! No way!! There’s got to be some kind of treatment!!”
“Sorry, son, there’s really nothing else that I can see to so.”
“Well, I’m gonna want a second opinion before I allow you to do anything like that!”
He leaves the doctor’s office with his hand subtly cradling his crotch a bit ruefully. As he’s thinking furiously, it occurs to him that, since he got whatever it was from an oriental prostitute, then maybe an oriental doctor might know a cure. So he visits an elderly herbalist in Chinatown.
After pulling the herbalist into his back room, he describes his problem, and shows him the condition. He then tells him about his reasoning — that the herbalist must have a better option than cutting his penis off.
“They want to cut off your dick?”
“Yeah!”
“Ohhhh, no need! I wouldn’t let them cut off my dick! That is crazy talk!” he insists, “Cut off your dick!?!?” he shudders in sympathy.
Feeling relieved, the guy lets out a loud sigh of relief, and thanks God that he didn’t listen to the doctor. “So, what do you recommend I do?”
The herbalist continues, “No need to do anything — no need to cut off your dick. Two, three days, it fall off all by itself!”
I also have trouble remembering jokes and long ago came up with an excuse that might possibly be correct: Laughter causes amnesia. Maybe only in some people, but the release of tension, or something, might interfere with memory. Perhaps the mental process of laughing has some relation to an epileptic fit or a dream.
Has anybody done EKGs of people laughing?
Neo:
If you come across a long-ish joke, and wish you could tell that one, try memorizing it. Then tell it a bunch of times to different people. Sure, it’ll come across as stilted the first few times… but as you get more comfortable with it, you’ll start to vary the details here and there, you’ll get used to the idea that some things can change and others can’t, and so forth.
Believe it or not, an awful lot of very funny people started out that way. Many people whom you think can “tell a joke well” simply have a large repertoire of memorized jokes, and they can sometimes extrapolate from them to be funny in an original way.
Another tip (which I mention because I haven’t seen it here yet): when I tell a long shaggy-dog type story, I try to have a few minor punchlines on the way to the big one. It keeps the listener from going to sleep.
For example, here’s one I’ve told a million times. (You’ll be able to tell from the details that, yes, I did memorize it.)
– – – – –
Here in New England, people sure do drive crazy, don’t they? I mean, I’ve seen all sorts of things on the roads. Once I saw a man in stop-and-go traffic, doing a crossword puzzle; another time I saw a woman putting on her makeup while driving. Once I saw a guy texting with one hand and drinking a cup of coffee with the other; I’m not sure how he was steering.
But the other day I saw something that really takes the cake! I was barreling up I-95 at about seventy miles an hour… say, are any of you folks policemen, by any chance?
Whatever. As I said, I was going up I-95 at about fifty miles an hour, and I see this woman… who, I swear, is driving and KNITTING A SWEATER! I couldn’t believe it! And just when I’m thinking to myself, “Where’s a cop when you need one?” — right then, a state trooper comes along.
Well, the state trooper saw her, and I could see him double-take when he saw what he was doing. So he got behind her and switched on his flashing blue lights.
Nothing. No response from her whatever. She just kept on knitting her sweater!
So the cop turned on his siren. But did the lady respond? No! She just kept on knitting her sweater.
Finally, I guess not knowing what else to do, he drove alongside of her, rolled down his passenger window, and yelled at her, “PULL OVER!”
She yelled back at him, “NO!!
It’s a CARDIGAN!”
= = = =
What do I think of when I’m telling that joke? First, that I have to keep repeating the bit about “knitting a sweater”; I don’t want to get to the punchline and have people forget what she was doing. I also like to pause, just before the punchline; people are thrown off when the policeman tells her to pull over and she yells NO!
Okay, now that I’ve thoroughly killed that joke, back to whatever you were doing…
To help me husband retain and tell jokes. I told him to remember that is it nothing more than a funny story. It has a begining, a middle, and and end.
I then told him a joke. I asked him what was the begining, then asked about the middle, and the end.
The next day he told all his freinds a joke and didn’t stumble.
There’s this guy who really, really hates lawyers, such that, whenever he passes one walking on the sidewalk, he swerves his truck up onto the sidewalk to take him out. This goes on for a long while, and he becomes an expert at it, and racks up quite a count of legal briefs fluttering in his rearview mirror.
One day, his pastor asks him for a ride, which he happily provides. They’re talking away during the drive, when he spots an attorney on the sidewalk. Out of habit, he swerves up onto the sidewalk.
He suddenly realizes the nature of his company, and decides that it would be a bad thing to do it with his pastor in the truck. He eases off the gas and manages to turn at the last moment. He hears an unexpected thump, however, and, in his rearview mirror sees the lawyer go sprawling, his briefcase full of papers fluttering in the air.
“Gosh, pastor, I’m sorry. I thought I’d missed him”, he said contritely.
“You did, my son, but I got him with the door…”
As I commented earlier, I don’t think it serves a purpose to “memorize” jokes. That tends to make the telling stilted and artificial. The key is that you’re just telling a story… and the story obviously doesn’t have to be “accurate” — its purpose is not to be “true” but to get a laugh. So you don’t need, possibly don’t even want, to tell the story exactly the same each time (if it gets boring to YOU you’re less likely to tell it well). Which is why the key element is to recall the punch line, and a few key minor details about the structure. Figure out how much you want to draw the story out (get them to forget that you’re telling a joke, for example, but get them into the story itself and you’re golden), and then nail them with the punch line. The usual structure of a joke is three parts — “paragraphs” — two setup and the punch line (as dame says above, a “beginning, middle, and end”). Don’t think that has to be ridged, though. If the story can handle it, and your ability to spin a tale is adequate, it can be longer — four or five parts, with longer parts, even.
You want to recall enough of the story to tell the parts well, but you don’t want to or need to tell it verbatim every time, and that makes it a lot easier to recall, though you have to be able to develop the skill of spinning the tale from “loose yarn” into cloth.
That skill also allows you to tell the tale with a little personalization to favor your audience — if your audience is a bunch of Australians, for example, you can put an Aussie somewhere suitable into the mix (presumably not as the brunt — but if they can be justified as the “inflicter” of the humor, that’s never a Bad Thing).
As an example, to an audience of French Canadians, you could invert the Canuck/Quebecois joke I provided earlier, make the Canuck #2 and have him put a “spite wall” around Quebec. Then have the Quebecois as #3 and have him have the genie flood the rest of the world.
howdy cool blog, I found your site as I was doing some research how to develop my website log. I was just now enquiring which spam pluggin you have for comments because I JUST get lots on a site.
Long ago I realized that I am terrible at telling jokes… so I made it my job to be an especially good listener and laugh-er. So far so good!
Hey there! I realize this is kind of off-topic however I needed to ask.
Does managing a well-established website like yours take a massive amount work?
I am brand new to blogging however I do write in my journal every day.
I’d like to start a blog so I will be able to share my own experience and views online. Please let me know if you have any kind of ideas or tips for brand new aspiring blog owners. Appreciate it!
Feel free to surf to my blog; garmin gps aviation handheld
memory foam mattress sale costco memory foam mattress replacement cover memory foam mattress pad full memory foam mattress guide memory
foam mattress reviews memory foam mattress king size
My web page – memory foam mattress healthcare