Spam poetics
I sometimes think that whoever writes spam has a flair for the poetic.
Consider the following, which I received today:
Miss Happiness Umukoro
Abidjan-Cote D’Ivoire
Dear love,
CONFIDENTIAL.
I am Miss Happiness Umukoro. the only Daughter of Late Former Director of Finance, Late Chief Desmond Umukoro,Cote D’Ivoire Diamond and Mining Corporation.I must confess my agitation is real, and my words is my bond, in this proposal. My late father diverted this money meant for purchase of ammunition for my country, during the peak of disastrous civil war…
I don’t know about you, I think there’s something quite musical there. First, the name, worthy of a romance novel (or a porno movie–take your pick): Miss Happiness Umukoro. Then, the euphonious address from which the spam supposedly originates: the Ivory Coast–in French, naturalment.
The salutation, so very important in setting the tone of any letter, is decidedly warm. Perhaps too familiar for a business letter, but certainly bound to grab one’s attention: Dear love.
Then, the damsel in distress theme is set up: the dead father, he of the wonderfully evocative diamond and mining corporation in the Ivory Coast. Next, my very favorite sentence:
I must confess my agitation is real, and my words is my bond, in this proposal.
Who would not wish to rescue Miss Happiness from her confessions and her anxiety, and finally allow her some small measure of the joy that is her birthright, considering her name? And, note the clever use of the word “proposal;” might this proposal not be followed by one more intimate, some day soon, if help is given? A fellow can hope.
The rest of the letter follows the usual course of such matters, as Miss Happiness gets down to business. But she never forgets the romance. After she signs off, she closes with the following tender sentiment:
i Love you so much.
Note in particular the creative use/misuse of capitalization: Miss Happiness is humble, and so she employs the lower-case e.e. cummings “i” instead of the boldly egocentric “I” of general use. But love–ah, love! It’s capitalized, even though it falls in mid-sentence.
It’s almost a little valentine. A bit premature, but no doubt heartfelt.
You got a 419 typed on paper? You actually received a hard copy of a Nigerian hustle through the mail? Wow… I thought it was strictly an email scam.
I’ve been collecting 419s long enough that in some box in my basement there’s one hand typed on paper, and I’d still consider this one special.
“…she employs the lower-case e.e. cummings…”
Minor point perhaps, but ol’ “e e” didn’t use periods after them thar initials.
The post is amusing, tho’…
Now, that’s a new take on the Nigerian 419 scam.
That’s hilarious, Neo.
It is for posts like this (and some others, too, I suppose) that
i Love you so much, Neo-neocon.
I must confess my agitation is real
This should be the official slogan of the internet.