All the news that’s unfit to print
Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom—who has already stated that in the general election Romney can hit a reset button—announced a few more details of the reset plan today. Fehrnstrom said:
They say that Mitt Romney is a man for all seasons. But you ain’t seen nothing yet till you’ve seen what he has in store for the fall campaign. He will be digging deep to shore up his populist roots by living with a simple working family in Flint, Michigan for two weeks, and then on to Toledo, Ohio to do the same.
Next, he is going to temporarily convert to Episcopalianism to show his open-mindedness, because we did some research and found that the greatest number of presidents have been Episcopalian. But Mitt is also open to taking turns at joining other religions for a couple of days at least—especially the Presbyterian Church, which was number two on the list in the number of presidents who’ve claimed allegiance. This in no way will affect his basic Mormon faith, of course.
Let’s not forget Rick Santorum, who’s still in the running and is also making plans. Santorum noted in a candid interview:
Passover begins on the same evening as Good Friday this year, a very unusual and highly symbolic situation. I prophecy that there will be several plagues leading up to that day, symbolizing America’s sinful ways and the release that could come with my election. Let the other candidates go!
Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich has an announcement of his own. It lacks the sweep and scope of the declarations of the other two, but it’s still pretty dramatic:
Newt claims he’s dumping Callista and taking a new wife.
“This time,” he says, “it’s not my ever-roving eye that has prompted the end of my marriage and the beginning of a new one. It’s you, America. The people have spoken and my market research tells me they don’t like Callista. So with great reluctance I am divorcing her and marrying America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. She just doesn’t know it yet.
“And by the way, it’s all Mitt Romney’s fault.”
When asked by reporters who the “she” was in that last sentence, Gingrich replied, “Both of them.”
Remaining candidate Ron Paul remains uncharacteristically quiet. Some say he’s preparing for his Thursday appearance at Berkeley, in the belly of the beast. Others claim he’s taking some time off to have a long overdue superciliumectomy.
🙂 It is April already?
I’ve just donated $5,000 to the Romney campaign. ABO 2012!
foxmarks: I dunno, I think Newt’s sacrifice was greatest.
You had me at “superciliumectomy.”
You had me until “But you ain’t seen nothing yet”. I mean, who actually watches these guys? I just read about them on the blogs.
Happy April Fools Day, Neo. Thanks for the laugh.
ditto (what expat said)
Breaking news, Bart Stupak endorses Romney. Credits Romneycare with lifesaving stem-cell procedure tat saved family pet
I’m thinking Eric Fehrnstrom wishes he’d thought of this first! 🙂
neo . . .
You are really kewl. This was fun (and inspired!).
Hilarious. I’m linking to it.
An article in WaPo which says that his team thinks he may be liberated from tea party pressure “…if he can finish off remaining rivals Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul in the next few weeks.”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/mitt-romneys-veepstakes-begin/2012/03/30/gIQATWo8lS_story.html
Published on Mar 30. Gee I wonder why people think Romney is a RINO.
it’s cargo cult…
belief that outcomes are made by ticking off the statistical ticks, rather than the ticks are made by other things..
so rather than Episcopalians have qualities that make them president… the surface quality of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or all that glitters, would say, if i have X quality, i have X… NOT if i have Y i express X quality…
image over substance…
even more so if you realize that there is no such thing as Episcopalianism… ie… its not a ism, ity… which isms never are…