Closing time
No, I’m not planning to close down this blog.
But most of you know I’ve been dealing with Gerard’s death, plus managing open threads on his old blog so that the commenters can continue to go there and chat with each other and read his old posts. In addition, I’m trying to work on compiling two books: one of his essays and one of his poetry.
But I’m also dealing with shutting down his autopays, of which he had many that weren’t written down. So I monitor his email for notices about them. I’m also working to file a grievance with the hospital for things they did that seem egregiously wrong.
So there’s a lot to do, and I get tired of it – particularly since all these activities also serve to remind me of his death. To close down his accounts, to let his newer blog lapse, to work on a book that I know he had planned to design, all of it is a graphic reminder of what happened.
I didn’t need to get rid of Gerard’s worldly goods; his brother took care of that, fortunately. But I’m taking care of his wordly goods, as his digital executor. The task is likely to take a while.
You are an amazing person, Neo. You’re dealing with the loss of Gerard and doing double duty on your blog and his. I ponder that and wonder how you manage. I certainly would understand if you needed to dial it back or even take a break. Do take care of yourself, Neo. You’re a super blogger, but also a human with a need for some balance in your life. Take care of yourself.
Speaking for myself, whatever energy you can devote to this blog is appreciated but IMO you have no obligation to put more into it than you are able to at this time. It won’t be doing us any favors should you wear yourself out. I like to think that those we loved who have departed, now have a deeper understanding and perspective than we currently possess on this side of the Veil. No doubt Gerard is ‘looking down’ at our foibles with renewed amusement.
It’s not easy to deal with all of those tasks, but at least it’s a connection to your lost loved one. After the tasks are done there is an emptiness. I don’t mean to be discouraging but it was almost easier to feel connected to my Mom when her death was recent. Hers was very sudden and unexpected so we never got to acknowledge it was happening. Afterwards I felt useful for a short time, but now I feel like I need to create some way to remember her in a purposeful way. It seems like you have that in the work that you’re doing on Gerard’s website and publishing his books. Thank you for doing that.
I say a prayer for you from time to time, Neo. This is hard, and you were not given much warning that this would happen.
neo, I’m not quite as regular here as are many of our regulars, but I regularly visit the blog early in the day, I regularly return as posts and comments come in, and I regularly appreciate very much what you do for us.
I can’t say it better than did Geoffrey Britain (7:47 pm), so I’ll just reemphasize, “whatever energy you can devote to this blog is appreciated but IMO you have no obligation to put more into it than you are able to at this time.”
Take care, be well, God bless . . .
M J R
Take all the time you need, we will be here, awaiting your return.
What ScotttheBadger wrote.
God bless you, neo.
Take care of yourself!
Neo, You mean more to us than we can say. Please do ‘first things first’ — Take Care of Yourself! Thank you … for being you.
Thanks, everyone!
What Kate said . . . I include you in my prayers each night too (also Olive, who I trust found a good new home). And I’m sorry to hear that the hospital wasn’t what it should have been– that’s one more stress you shouldn’t have to bear. The only time I had to help my family by taking care of unfinished business was when an uncle by marriage committed suicide some years back. He had several open medical appointments that had to be canceled, and since my aunt was literally incoherent, I was asked to phone the doctors’ offices and notify the office managers. I simply told them that my uncle “died suddenly”– they didn’t need the details. Of course that kind of brief tidying up– there were no autopays then!– is very different from your ongoing work with Gerard’s “wordly goods”– I wish you the emotional fortitude as well as the energy you’ll need.
And as others have said, if you need to take time off from this blog, do what you need to do to care for yourself– we’ll be here.
I’ve loved that song for years.
I wish you the best as you slog through the respectful tasks you’re faithfully carrying out.
Neo
I hope you are taking care of yourself mentally and physically.
Thanks for taking the time to post. You have a nice blog I enjoy reading the political posts.
I’m so disillusioned / frustrated with our dysfunctional medical system right now, Dr and nurses in Ca still have the virtue signaling mask and jab mandate, sigh. I wish you luck in the grievance. I’m trying to figure out my Fathers medical gordium knot.
The last three tags on this post are the most important ones now: Me, Myself, and I. Take some time for yourself to relax a bit.
It appears that I am among many who commented here, Neo, to please take care of yourself.
Dear Neo:
Please. Please. Take a small break. Take five work days off! Tell us you will be gone. Tell us we have to manage for ourselves. Walk away from the computer–so somewhere else and know that you carry our love with you. We will be here when you get back! AND, And, all of us have a heavy load to lift in the next eighteen months. Get restored NOW! Because we will need you so much more in the next sequence!
I know that Gerard would want you to do this now!
Love,
A
“I’m trying to work on compiling two books: one of his essays and one of his poetry.” If I were in your position, I think that that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. If I were you, I would say “first things first”, which in this case are the annoying business things. I wouldn’t even think about the books right now. I say this as someone who used to be quite productive and on top of things, but for health (and age) reasons, is presently at a point where I am thankful to be able to meet financial/business/health deadlines. I find it very frustrating; it seems like “one step forward, two steps back”. But I have to keep trying to catch up. 🙁 Do yourself a favor and relegate the books to “I want to do this, if and when I can”. Maybe even think about doing one book at a time. I get frustrated at the thought of all the things I “should” do. Getting frustrated doesn’t help.
I was also very interested in your mention of the hospital. Of course I knew next to nothing about what happened. But what I did know tended to make me very angry. I was on the outside, but sometimes in a crisis an outsider can see more objectively what might be going on. That whole issue may be one of the main things dragging you down.
My primary care doctor asked me in recent weeks (out of the blue), “are you depressed”? I make an effort to “stick to business” and not complain (in general with everyone). He probably had it on some checklist that he has to ask everybody. I said, “Well, Biden is insane; he–and his crew–are either insane or evil; he has wrecked our military, we have a $31 trillion dollar debt, and our country has never been closer to falling apart. I think that anybody who isn’t depressed isn’t paying attention.”
Yes, take care of yourself first. A lot of other things “won’t matter in 5 years”.
VV: Oh my, what you said to your doctor, about Biden. How did he react?
Maybe you knew beforehand this doctor was sane (I. e., felt similarly).
I’ve had mixed results with being open to medical doctors & PA’s.
Hoping you had a good response from the doctor.
Neo, many above have already said what I feel, so well.
Please take a break — multiple days — to have less stress, fewer daily todo’s, to allow yourself more rest! And more time to wrap up business aspects.
Warm hugs and prayers!!
Take care of yourself. When my older son passed, it seemed that every song and everything I read brought up memories and thoughts of him. Some were sweet and some were torture. Three years now and sometimes it is still intense. You will be in my prayers.
Alpha and Omega…
Wishing you strength in your labors of love…
Keeping you in mind. If something’s gotta give for a while, one thing you can do is put up an open thread each day.
Neo:
Lots of good advice from your readers, so I won’t add more except to say you’re in my daily prayers too. And take break if it is needed: we’ll be here when you have more energy. F
Another person praying for you here, Neo, as I did for Gerard. Good advice and thoughts above from your faithful readers.
The idea of just an open thread is a good one. If you feel like doing a post, just put up one. Take the whole weekend off. We, the commenters here, seem quite capable of generating ideas/controversy anyway 🙂
I don’t want to see you go the route of Dr. Sanity. Still very much miss her.
Thank you for updating us on your full-plate, Neo. Many blessings.
Thank you Neo for sharing with us about your loss of Gerard, one of my favorites on the internet for years along with your site from many years ago. My suggestion is number one take care of yourself and then, as much as possible, take your time with your clean up tasks. We, your loyal followers, are grown up folks who can appreciate the tasks that have fallen to you with the love of that special man and the loss you are experiencing so please share with us when you can and step back and rest when you are able don’t worry about us.
Blessings to you as you move on through this next year and as we continue to live in ‘interesting times’. Share what you can as our days move on and please take care of yourself.
On digital payments, I handle all our bill-paying here. I’m preparing a WRITTEN list of all the payments that need to be made to keep this household going, the online addresses and passwords, and usual charges, which I will give to my husband and to the daughter who will probably be stuck with handling this if and when something happens to us. We have wills, but this day-to-day stuff can really get out of control if the controller isn’t around any more.
I am not aware of anything being wrong with me, but as with Gerard, things can happen very suddenly.
God bless you and keep you strong. I was surprised to find that two bloggers I found independently and that were part of my daily browse for interesting and informative writing were so connected. I’m happy to hear that Gerard’s writing will be published in other-than-digital format. Thanks.
Like everybody else, I’d say take it easy once in a while.
But, god help us, there’s always “on the other hand.” Longtime readers know that Neo doesn’t drink alcohol. Recently, she commented that, for her, writing might work the way drinking does for other people. So, whatever the painkiller, moderation in all things?
Kate:
Given my recent experience, let me say, you’re doing a good thing.
@Marv at 12:58 a.m.:
I am about 25 yrs. older than my doctor; have had him for a couple of years after moving to Texas. He is an anomaly among doctors. He is kind, reasonable, and treats me like a human being while remaining professional. We have a few things in common: some Scot blood, conservative backgrounds, and having had a lot of major challenges, in life, with which we have had to cope alone. The latter I know from doing some research on him. He works as part of a mega health/hospital corporation here. I know (also from research) that such doctors are, in a sense, slaves to their corporations. There is an assembly-line mentality:
“how many patients can you squeeze into a day to increase profits?” Sometimes appts. are booked for 15 minutes. Yet he always comes cheerfully into the room, sits down, and listens intently to whatever you say. He then makes his decisions based on his patient and all the rules and hoops he has to jump through for the corporation. His decisions are not always what I might want, but I understand the position he is in. None of this is ever discussed; politics is never discussed. But I am at an age (as a single woman) where I have been fighting for survival for decades with “prima donna” “know-it-all” men, so when push comes to shove I usually speak my mind and/or discontinue contact with them. (So far I still have the right to do that.) His reaction to what I said was to look agitated, but to proceed as usual with no more mention of depression. He knows that my philosophy about that is “Accept what you cannot change, change what you can, and hope for wisdom to know the difference.” A few pills for depression decades ago made me dysfunctional. I soon quit them. I could not afford to be dysfunctional then, or since. So much for that.
Sorry to ramble on, but we can and do learn from other people.
Neo: huge sympathy and admiration from this humble reader. The least we can do in this difficult (and essential) time of grief and labor is to summon patience and look for more-tangible ways to help you. Please let us know what we can do; and Godspeed.
VV:
My wife and I picked a local family physician from the phone book when we moved to NV 20 years ago. That was pre-Obamacare, and we were both happy with this doctor’s personal attention and care after we met him.
Then Obamacare was instituted (foisted upon unwilling citizens) and he changed in the space of a few months. He now entered the room with a computer on a rolling stand, and his focus was on that machine instead of on the individual before him. He asked questions as if off a script (which apparently it was), and no longer took the time he formerly did. I spoke to his PA about it: he was now tied to a schedule to suit the requirements of Obamacare, which governed Medicare reimbursement, and she said he was very unhappy with the changes. Within a year he had left his practice and took another employment. It was a loss for his patients (including us) and for his profession. But it was the new reality imposed upon the nation by the president who had promised fundamental change.
I write this to reinforce your “assembly-line mentality” comment. You apparently lucked out; we did for a short while, then we did not. The new family physician we had to move to was one of the new breed. He knew his art, I will give him that, but the relationship between his patients and his entire office was entirely new, and not to my liking. I was in my early seventies when I moved to his care, and in fairly good physical and mental condition. Nevertheless I had to tell his PA on each visit how many times I had fallen (none) and I had to draw that infernal clock face in grease pencil on a plastic board.
In Ohio now, I have a family physician who listens to me, ignores the imposition of assembly-line rules, and puts me in mind of the protagonist in Abraham Verghese’s “Cutting for Stone.” (If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.). In short, he LISTENS. And does NOT ask me how many times I have fallen.
Our betters clearly think they know better than we do what is good for us. You and I are fortunate that we have found family physicians who are wiser than our betters.
My sympathy for your struggle, Neo. I’m glad you’re not closing down the blog. Not long ago someone laughed at me for still having one. Then just the other day I read somewhere that blogging is having something of a comeback, as “social media” falls apart. Mild incentive to hang in there, perhaps (not enough for me, as I’m “sunsetting” mine after a round twenty years).
About doctors: mine, whom I liked, retired last year. I was not notified and didn’t know about it until my routinely refilled blood pressure med was not renewed. His group practice had apparently been pulled into a corporate entity a few years ago and I can’t help wondering if that was a factor in his retirement. The practice had certainly changed.
I had some trouble finding a new doctor and finally had to resort to residents at the local med school. F describes that experience above:
“He now entered the room with a computer on a rolling stand, and his focus was on that machine instead of on the individual before him. He asked questions as if off a script (which apparently it was)….” Exactly. I really felt like I was bothering him.
physicsguy, I was missing Dr. Sanity recently and looked around to see if she was on twitter or anything. I learned that she has written a book, a memoir that explains what she has been up to lately. I read the book and enjoyed it:
https://www.amazon.com/Prodigal-Daughter-Journey-Patricia-Santy/dp/1892875853
It’s nice that her blog is still there as a resource:
http://drsanity.blogspot.com/
Hang in there, neo, and thanks so much for all you do.
Do what you want to do. That’s all you can do before going to the other side. G will be there.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8-9
Whatever you choose to do… However you honour Gerard… However long it takes…
Good will to you, Neo. As you know, it gets better with time but there is never a guarantee that an unforeseen event won’t bring it back intense Good will to you.
More than a half-century ago, I was in a position where I simply wanted to (figuratively) throw up my hands and walk away, but no one else could take care of mt responsibilities. A buddy said words that became my mantra: “Drive on”.
It worked. I got through it, and so will you.
Thank you.
Sarah Rolph; physicsguy:
I wrote a post on Pat Santy’s book. I hadn’t yet read it at the time, but I’ve since read it and it’s very interesting. Pat has led a remarkable life.
Neo, no need for explanation. Any time you give us is fine. Get the stuff you feel important done, and I hope you do well in dealing with/getting through the loss as best as you can.
1. Be sure to advertise those two books here.
2. Don’t expect a thing from the hospital. The response, if any, will be along the lines of, “Sorry for your loss and sorry that you feel that way” or some such nonsense.
FWIW, in Omaha, Nebraska the fair and reasonable compensation for a PR or trustee is $50 per hour unless, of course, that person brings special skills to the table as in a law degree and the ability to edit a literary work.
Neo, chiming in along with everyone else: take care of yourself! We all love and appreciate you more than you know.
Cornhead:
Yes, I will certainly list the books here if and when they’re available. I also will send a note to Glenn Reynolds and several others.
I expect nothing from the hospital. But I plan to make a stink anyway. Also, to take it up with the medical board. I would sue except the damages – pain and suffering – are capped in California at an amount equal to or less than the typical charges lawyers would have to spend to get expert witnesses and the like. Therefore only the most egregious wrongful death type cases are accepted by lawyers there. Any ideas how to overcome that?
Thanks again to everyone here who has expressed so much caring and concern.
Neo, I echo what everyone else has said about taking whatever breaks you may need — or maybe continuing your normal blogging life is therapeutic. Whatever is best for your own soul, please do it.
I was the executor for my mother’s estate (which meant, also my father’s to some extent, because they died less than a year apart.) There was very little digital responsibility — just a couple of email addresses and some photos and such on hard drives. But the wordly-goods responsibility felt overwhelming at times. My mother kept things, many many things, and many of them had family meaning, such as boxes and boxes of old photographs and even daguerreotypes, furniture made by various ancestors, and the like. She loved books and owned them in uncountable numbers. She was an artist and so there were her pieces, her art supplies (which I ended up donating to the local high school) and on and on. She also had messed-up financial records. It ended up taking two years to sort it all out and close the estate. (My siblings did help, but they are scattered far away and had already done a great deal to help my parents while they were still alive, so it was fair that the main job was mine.) I was absolutely tired out by the end, but it was also an incredible privilege to be so intimately involved with the stuff that had made up my parents’ lives. I found their courtship letters, my grandfather’s eighth-grade diary, a wedding dress that may have been my great-grandmother’s, and so much more. Nevertheless, my husband and I have sworn not to do the same thing to our kids and have been — slowly and imperfectly — uncluttering our own lives ever since. I have, for instance, whittled down my own formerly-enormous book collection by, probably, 80 percent — and it could use more.
All this is to say that the exhaustion is so real. There was a fair amount of guilt, as I simply could not keep most of the objects that had meant so much to my mother. I ended up photographing many things and “keeping” them that way. It took time and energy to find the right ways to dispose of things that had value, and even more for those that did not. As Neo says, every task is a confrontation with loss. Every object was a reminder of the fragility and brevity of their (actually fairly long) lives and, thus, of the fragility and brevity of my own. It was hard.
So even though your task is “only” to sort through Gerard’s digital life, Neo, please be gentle with yourself. Everyone else will understand if some things don’t get done for a while, or even ever.
To neo on May 1, 2023 at 4:31 pm:
The dems’ ultimate goal is control of every aspect of our lives. That includes health care as a major component. Fighting ultra-leftist CA over a medical grievance there would probably be a Sisyphus-type experience. I am not saying “don’t file a grievance” (which is none of my business to say). I would just suggest continual evaluation of how deeply you want to get into it.
Quote: “Various names have been used to describe Democrat plans for health care: socialized medicine, single-payer, universal health care, and “Medicare for All.” The most accurate descriptor is nationalization: the transfer of a major branch of industry or commerce from private ownership to federal control.
Nationalization of health care will involve some combination of the Biden health care plan with Bernie Sanders’ single-payer Medicare for All. Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris strongly supports Medicare for All as detailed in H.R. 1384, a February 2019 bill that was never brought to a vote in Congress.
While there are some technical differences between the two plans, there are numerous common elements. The over-arching theme is the federal choice replacing individual or patient choice.”
https://thehill.com/opinion/healthcare/527511-prepare-for-buyers-remorse-when-biden-harris-nationalize-health-care/
Imagine that Gerard were here, and that you were doing all your “executor-type” work for someone else. I am quite sure that what he would want most for you would be your peace, health, and happiness/contentment. He would not want you to be overwhelmed. (Forgive me if I am out of line.)
To PA+Cat above: Olive has found a new home. See:
https://americandigest.org/open-thread-4-21-23-plus-olive-announcement/
I’d been wondering too.