Friendship: who needs it?
Reading this Althouse thread about friendship, I was struck by a few things, particularly in the comments.
There seem to be some rather sharp divides between groups of people on the nature and value of friendship. There are the loners, some of whom seem proud that they don’t want or need friends (they’re not “people who need people), versus those who freely admit to relying on and valuing friends and being sad when they don’t have enough of them.
I’m one of the latter group; friendship is very important to me.
Another divide is between those who prefer light friendships based on fun and activities, and those who need to be able to confide in their friends about the deeper things in life and are eager to give emotional support and get it.
I value and feel the need for both kinds of friends, and the best friends of all are those rarer ones who combine the two functions.
Does this reflect—at least somewhat—a natural man/woman divide? Perhaps. It’s not a strict divide, to be sure, but I think a sexual differentiation is probably at least a tendency.
There’s also the issue of how to end a friendship when it’s played out, and how to decide when that’s happened. I tend to hang on, for several reasons. The first is that I think friends can be important even if there are many flaws in the relationship, especially if the friend is one I’ve had for a long time. There’s something to be said for a shared and lengthy history—people who knew me when, who knew my parents and my old boyfriends, and who can understand my references to all those things. I don’t require some sort of perfection in friendships, or anything close to it.
That may be in part because I’ve lost some good, true friends because they died. That’s extraordinary painful for me, and I don’t have all that many friends to spare any more. What do they say about old age—there are no enemies, only survivors?
Some people see getting older as a chance to pare down, not just possessions but friendships as well, and to keep only the essential. That’s not my philosophy on people, although I’m trying to do it with the possessions. Of course I haven’t stayed in touch with every friend I’ve ever had; there’s a kind of natural attrition that does occur, and not just from death. But I don’t drop friends for capricious or trivial reasons,and certainly not previously good friends.
And if I ever were to drop a really good friend, I don’t think I’d do it by ghosting—that is, not calling or writing, and if the person tries to get in touch, not returning calls or responding to emails. I think that’s a cowardly way to do it, although it happens that way more and more these days. If the friendship ever meant anything, if you respect the past friendship, I think you owe it to that person to explain, even if the explanation is just something like “sorry, but I think we’ve grown apart and even though we were good friends in the past it just doesn’t seem to be that way anymore.” Acknowledge what’s happening, so they’re not left to wonder and to feel completely abandoned. And don’t tell yourself that the feeling of wanting to end the friendship is actually mutual, just in order to save yourself the trouble of making the break explicit.
My template for friendship seems to be my parents, who had a ton of friends. I couldn’t even begin to count how many, but probably a hundred good friends and hundreds more who were casual friends. They kept in touch, too—but it was easier because my parents and most of their friends had been born in the same community and lived there for virtually all their lives. They were a crowd of friends, and they had a lot of fun, too. They liked to get together in groups, to dance, play cards, and talk, talk, talk.
I suppose that sort of thing still exists in some places, but I’ve never been part of a community like that, and I think it’s far more rare now in general than it used to be.
I have lived the life of a gypsy. Well, I’m not actually a gypsy, but I have lived in many places since I left my childhood home in 1950. Twenty-two residences since 1950. That’s a move about every three years. Few lasting friends as a result. My handful; of old friends are from my high school days or my Navy days. And most of them have died on me. I just attended a funeral of an old friend. He and his wife had deep roots in their community where they had lived for more than thirty years . There were over a hundred people at the service. It made me realize that when I die there will be maybe five people who know me and would attend a service for me. Is that bad? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not lonely. The few friends I have are all I need. My wife is much the same way. She has gladly lived this nomadic life and never complained.
We have traveled a lot and people often ask if we’re lonely when we travel without friends. Nope. Going someplace with friends is not easy -coordinating to find the right time, deciding on accommodations, meals, what to see, etc. that satisfy everyone isn’t easy. I think that’s why we prefer to travel alone. We always meet nice people along the way and enjoy their company for a short time, but such encounters never are long term.
I have often wondered about the song – “People Who Need People.” Are they really the luckiest people on the Earth? Then I guess I’m one of the unlucky ones.
My childhood may have had some bearing on my not needing friends. I grew up in a mountain tourist town that had a short tourist season. Everybody worked like Trojans for four months of the year and then counted their pennies to make it through to the next season when more money could be earned. Life was tenuous. Being a very small village ( population 800 or so). Everyone knew everyone and their was a lot of nosiness and gossip. There was also a stratification of people and my family was in the lower levels because my mother was a divorcee and we didn’t have much money. We had a roof over our heads and three meals a day, but money was always tight. I learned that life was not easy and you had to be self reliant. We couldn’t depend on anyone else. The truth was that I couldn’t wait to be old enough to go out and make my way in the world. I didn’t know much, but I knew I had to be self reliant.
I didn’t plan to be a nomad. It just happened that way. Being in the Navy meant moving every two or three years Being an airline pilot didn’t require many moves but we moved several times mostly because we were flipping houses for investment purposes. Same thing in the twenty-six years since I’ve been retired. It wasn’t planned. Life, it’s what happens when you don’t have a plan. Being a nomad almost insures you will not have many close friends. And practically no one at your funeral.
I have just recently had the experience of recovering a deep old heart’s friendship that I thought was long gone. I don’t have many close friends, but the ones I do have matter a lot, and the loss of this one had been a deep wound. Politics were part of it and still are, but politics are not all there are to anything. Now we get to be grandmothers together and remember when we were the grandchildren, just starting out.
I am so fortunate to have friends. I understand that friendship isn’t as critical for everyone, but for me, friendships are part of the ground of life. I lost some when I changed politically; now one is back and there is healing. And this afternoon I had a close brief conversation with a very young friend, less than half my age, whom I know through my daughter but with whom I can speak as a direct friend, as though age did not divide us. I don’t quite understand how this works but I am so glad that it does.
I’m a loner who does not need a lot of relationships and family provides what little I do need. I have considered broadening my social life, but not much. I don’t consider it an entirely positive or negative thing.
Though I don’t consider people who need a lot of relationships an entirely positive or negative thing. I do wonder about that “People Who Need People” song, though.
I was born into a large family, I am also an identical twin. My siblings are my best friends, we are very close. But, we all have other close friends as well. In my case, not many. I am happy not being in a big crowd of people. I am somewhat a loner, married to a loner. But I do have my close family and friends.
My children have many close friends, I am happy they didn’t become loners like their father and me.
I have reconnected with some of my very old friends on facebook. We also have a large extended family that keeps in touch through facebook. Otherwise I would not even use it.
I am a natural introvert and I do not make friends easily at all, especially in adulthood. But that being said, my best friend has been my best friend since the day we first met in the 3rd grade (his parents divorced and his mom moved him across the country) We were 8 years old. Now we are 45. We were the Best Man at each other’s weddings and were in the hospital for the birth of each other’s children. I was a Pall Bearer for his step-father’s funeral. My best friend is not an introvert but quite the opposite. He’s also extremely loyal.
I have a few other close friends (almost all coworkers since Law Enforcement tends to make very strong friendships) but not many. My wife is included in the very small circle of friends of course.
I find the idea of a friendship running it’s course, or being played out is entirely alien to me. And I only just realized it now, reading the essay. I’ve never heard of such a thing or considered it. What an odd concept. I’ve had people who I have lost touch with but I didn’t consider them friends as I am very, very picky about who gets that label. And if I consider them a friend, I put in the work to keep it that way. And I never lend money. I give it, if I have it to give.
Keeping score, and track of debt is the surest way to destroy any relationship.
Coming from a big family kind of skews things for me. As an adult I don’t know that I’ve made more than a couple real friends but tons of acquaintances of varying levels. My loner tendencies make it hard for me to make new friends on a deeper level. But I have a handful of friends from childhood that are true friends and especially one that even though I only see a couple times a year is still my best friend. But that’s where the large family comes in two of my brothers are really my closest friends and one brother in law also so it doesn’t really occur to me that I don’t have many friends.
And I don’t do Facebook so I don’t have any of those bogus fake friends.
As the demands of my life have escalated: all 3 children married and living from 30 minutes to 6 hours away; aging, and finding my job obligations are more taxing, mentally and physically; about to go from one grandchild to 4 in under 2 years, I came to a place of assessment with regard to friendships (including family members) and realized there were a number of relationships that were a one-way street as I was the one making all the overtures and hosting the encounters. At that point I determined to solely focus on the 2-way street relationships. I do miss the others, but I consider it ultimately their choice. I value the friendships that I nurture now and the others are pleasant memories. Should any ever contact me…open arms.
I think people are very lucky if they have one or two true friends. These are the people in your life that won’t judge you and will always be there for you, regardless of the situation, and you for them.
Everyone else along the way are merely acquaintances.
From a monistic perspective, other people are simply different versions of me. Friendships are more enjoyable in that mode. Dualism is illusory, but sometimes useful in practical matters. Entanglement in dualistic beliefs about everything being separate and not fundamentally unified leads to insecurity, fear of scarcity, and loneliness.
The fix for dualistic entanglement is a regular practice of meditation. Direct experience of your unbounded source dispels illusions of limitation. An accessible timeless realm exists within time. Even without meditating, there are random happy moments that hint at the underlying timeless reality. That is where we came from, and where we and our friends inevitably go.
My wife is my best friend. Plus 4 kids, plus being in Slovakia, not so much time for old friends from US, nor for new Slovak friends.
FaceBook helps keep contact.
Ask someone with Asperger… a defining quality
@ Art: That explains some things.
>versus those who freely admit to relying on and valuing friends and being sad when they don’t have enough of them.
I value friendship, but I have to say I’m not that concern on how big my social circle is, just that it’s maintained and that I acquire new friends – if the opportunity arises – as I venture into new environments.
If one grew up largely alone, being alone is no particular hardship. In my case, out in the country I had one younger brother and one same-aged neighbor with whom to play. Try playing baseball at age ten thataway!
But humans are social animals, just like dogs. It is not good to be alone. We are meant to run in packs.
The secular forces, ever stronger, keep trying (and usually succeeding) to put us into smaller and smaller boxes, the social equivalent of prison cells, by their false though seductive appeals to the “individual rights” of all : Box A contains one non English-speaking vegan illegal Latina lesbian minimum-wage housemaid; Box B contains one robust, plain-talking goose-hunting Midwestern Protestant tractor owner/driver corn farmer; and so on.
See a family at a restaurant meal, the children each on a cell phone, gaming or texting, while parents sit mutely. Every one of them is boxed in, without realization. The new normal.
So we become increasingly isolated while those same forces, the Elites, spur us on to have “conversations”. “Reaching out” is our new idiom for attempting to communicate with another, but doesn’t that raise the vision of reaching out thru prison bars?
I feel so good when I go to church, where I am with a small multitude of both sexes, different skin tones, immigrants and native-borns, all joined together in worship of one God, with the friendliness and mutual respect that cascades from doing so.
You will note, however, that the Elites themselves do not live the way they prescribe for us. They too are pack animals, but they succeed in maintaining their own exclusive packs. Martha’s Vineyard, Marin County, Nob Hill,etc.
More to my point, by Anthony Mills in the current City Journal:
“a long shadow lingers over the country’s otherwise bright economic outlook. It’s not a shadow cast by the trade war, volatile stocks, diminished labor-force participation, or inequality, but rather by low social capital—that is, the interpersonal relationships that generate reciprocity and a shared sense of community, and that play an important role in a healthy economy.”
“See a family at a restaurant meal, the children each on a cell phone, gaming or texting, while parents sit mutely.”
When the telegraph was first invented, a journalist marveled: “With this invention, there is now no ELSEWHERE…it is all HERE.”
If wired communication reduced the sense of Elsewhere, it seems that wireless communication reduces the sense of the Here and Now.
Looking at some of the very minor internet TV channels, I discovered “Film Noir Flix” which has a nice collection for free viewing, almost advertisement free.
I started re-watching an old classic “In a Lonely Place” starring Humphrey Bogart and Gloria Grahame, probably the best acting performances out of both actors. Grahame was married to the director at the time. While generally considered to be in the “noir” genre, the film doesn’t exactly fit in with what you’d expect, and is really a character study of Bogart’s character who’s “in a lonely place.”
Bogart’s character has only two friends, one alcoholic and another who probably would not have maintained the friendship if they weren’t bound together financially.
I love films like this where the script is very well written and has real depth. On multiple viewings, there is a great deal of character development in the first one and half acts that you can’t appreciate on the first viewing.
It occurred to me that the film has an almost female sensibility to it, and sure enough the original story was written by a woman.
My experience growing up was very like Neo’s — my parents had lots of friends who would gather together frequently. Most of the time they would discuss politics and religion — they formed the first Reform synagogue on the Main Line. The men were all, as far as I can remember, veterans, several had been wounded. Like virtually everyone in their social milieu, they were on the left to varying degrees. I may even have met some guys who had fought in the Abraham Lincoln Brigade. My parents, though, had parted with the hard left over the Molotov-von Ribbentrop Pact. The day before, the Daily Worker was all “Fight Fascism!” The day after, Germany was a great friend and anybody who disagreed was out. My dad loved to sharpshoot snarkily at their friends.
But they all remained friends, for their lifetimes. How sad it is that today, to keep friends, you cannot discuss religion or politics!
Some friendships were shared with the world.
Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett – their friendship in many clips, but has an annoying soundtrack rather than their own dialogue and songs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWLJVHj2zio
Carol tells how she met Lucy, and how they started working together.
https://www.pbs.org/video/pioneers-television-friendship-carol-burnett-and-lucille-ball/
And the quintessential friendship: Lucy & Ethel, singing the Friendship song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IzLxk6D7WA
Nothing I see is real. The world as viewed by biological 3d eyes is meaningless. God did not create a meaningless world. Everything and anything I see is meaningless, for the meaning is lost without the greater sight.
God is in everything I see for God is in my mind.
I am not the victim of the world I see (pay attention autism spectrum look a likes)
I have invented the world I see, for my mind is part of God’s mind.
My holiness covers everything I see and blesses the world, for there is nothing that cannot be accomplished by a Son of God. God goes with me wherever I am.
Now this uses “god” in terms of Christian speak instead of Ymar speak.
There is nothing to fear for nothing we see is real or the truth.