Won’t you be my valentine?
It may not have escaped your notice that today is Valentine’s Day. So Happy Valentine’s Day!
But Valentine’s Day can be a problematic holiday. Hmmm, whatever to get? And do you feel guilty if you don’t? Anyone who wants to give me a present is especially challenged because that old standby chocolate won’t suffice, because it gives me migraines.
Yet another thing that gives me migraines—or at the very least, moments of irritation—are those continually-repeated ads designed to help desperate men figure out what to get the woman (or women, as the case may be) in their lives, particularly if said woman has the emotional maturity of a five-year-old. It’s usually one of two things: footed fleece pajamas like the ones small children wear, or an enormous teddy bear.* Either gift makes the young and nubile women in the ads giggle, clap their hands, and jump up and down with glee.
But what caused me to write this post was a Valentine’s Day ad I saw on TV the other day for Vermont Teddy Bears—actually, for a particular type of Vermont Teddy Bear:
Why does this cute little guy carry a mask and handcuffs? Why, it’s the Christian Grey Bear, that’s why:
If you want to dominate Valentine’s Day, skip the roses and send the limited-edition Fifty Shades of Grey Bear. Inspired by the best-selling book, the adult gift is specially designed for fans obsessed with Grey, biting their lips with anticipation over the movie. He features smoldering gray eyes…
I haven’t read the book and don’t plan to, but this bear is the strangest amalgam of infantilization and “adult” toy I’ve even seen. And if you think it’s just a good-for-a-laugh throwaway novelty, let me add that its cost is $89.99 plus shipping.
At the bottom of the ad is this disclaimer:
SAFETY WARNING: Contains small parts. Not suitable for children.
Perhaps Vermont Teddy Bears has a sense of humor.
[* NOTE: I did not realize it until I went to the Vermont Teddy Bear website, but they also have a handy PJ and teddy bear combo, for those men who just can’t decide between the two. A double teddy, you might say.]
“…that old standby chocolate won’t suffice, because it gives me migraines.”
Have you tried Turkish delight or crystallized ginger as alternatives?
AKM:
Oh, I have no trouble whatsoever finding tasty and fattening alternatives!!
If you’re going to go the kinky route, better to save money on the teddy bear, and just get a blindfold and cuffs.
starlord:
But the idea is to go kinky-cute. Seems an oxymoron.
I saw this ad on TV, I believe on a news program.
We will visit our favorite restaurant, then come home, open a bottle of champagne, and watch Steve McQueen in The Get Away. Snuggle up with your honey and be thankful for the love you share with that special someone.
My wife of 40 years does not like gifts on one single day a year. I bring her flowers 2 or 3 times per year and small thoughtful gifts on other days. If she doesn’t receive anything on February 14th she’s OK with that. “Take that, Hallmark cards”
I could not pass up the “hand-dipped strawberries” on this day. Like some others, I bring flowers home about 2 dozen times per year. Three-plus weeks ago I found some tulip bulbs which were neatly nested at the bottom of a large glass hurricane-type vase. Maintaining the water level just above the bulbs, those tulips have gradually grown and exploded in a shock of variegated red and yellow, “HAPPY HELLOS”. It’s akin to sunshine-in-a-jar.
They’ve lived far longer than cut tulips. I look forward to doing that every year now.
Happy Valentine’s Day to each of the ladies on neo’s site.
And to you, neo, I hope you get to kiss a bearded brutus today. Regardless, I am sending warmest of wishes to you.
Clarityseeker:
The flowers sound lovely!
The bearded brutus—I’ll have to think about that 🙂 .
re: chocolate and migraines – out of coffee, I tried unsweetened Hershey’s cocoa in my espresso maker and had 2 mugs (6 demitasse) of it. It tasted great and also got every walk, path, and trail around my house in Upstate NY shoveled out. It was like speed.
We’ve come a ways from The Bridges of Madison County.
Dear wife asked me yesterday where I was going. Weary of playing coy, and looking forward to her slight embarrassment caused by my violating a sort of protocol, I answered simply, “out to buy a Valentine’s Day card.”
Somewhat surprised, she assured me, “oh, you don’t have to do that.” I laughingly replied, “oh yes I do!” She gaily conceded, “but I admit, it’s highly recommended.”
I bought her two.
I carry hinged cuffs, rather than chain ones, as you get much better control of your prisoner with them. I really doubt that the 50 shades girls would enjoy being properly cuffed. After many furballs involving cuffing people, I think someone who wanted to be cuffed would really, really creep me out.
After last night, and being out in the sub zero/ 30 MPH winds, I spent my day asleep with my electric blanket set for ” Roast “. Made me regret being a bachelor, as having wife who could slip into the bedroom every so often, and baste me so I browned evenly would have been nice.
This sleazy bit in the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial has bugged me for a long time:
“It’s a great gift for her, and it’s sure to pay off for you.” So this is what gift-giving is all about: putting a little pressure on the giftee to give “something” back.