On re-adoption
Here’s an excellent article on the sad, complex, and mysterious phenomenon known as re-adoption, which occurs when a parent or parents adopt a child and they later give that child up and hope that it is adopted by another family.
On first hearing, it sounds heinous and unforgivable. But you may change your mind after you read the article.
A HS classmate of mine gave up her biological daughter for adoption because she was schizophrenic and was ruining the life of her other three children. Her marriage had ended, and I can understand her desperation. She had ultimately decided that the daughter would have a better chance with another family. It’s really hard to put yourself in the shoes of someone going through this, but it is wrong to pretend that you would have had a better answer. Life can be very hard.
we are all the same
genetics means nothing…
end of the pc message…
No, adoption stories don’t always turn out well. I Googled the name of an adoptive daughter of family friends. Her suicide turned up on the first hit.
I’ve notice how the media love to pass along adoption horror stories. The original parents are bad, the child is bad, the new parents are bad…the impression you get is that adoption itself is a bad idea. Now, the press always reports bad things, so I could make this observation about any number of things – everything from arrhythmia to zoos will kill you, according to the headlines. But when it comes to adoption, this kind of reporting really troubles me, because the existence of adoption is a threat to a certain agenda item.
What a sad story! But I should note that I have witnessed many adoptions that turned out well. I also have a coworker that has adopted, like 8 kids from china and here. The Chinese girls were fine, the boys all had medical problems, some major some minor.
because she was schizophrenic
This is where we might need to revisit the idea of institutionalization.
Wow. Heart-rending, but interesting. Really well written (and well researched) story. Lots of food for thoughts there.
FASD and RAD are becoming more common here in the good old USA. Many children of the black ghettos have one or both.
Many of the symptoms are exhibited by young black men and women who end up in our criminal justice system. The article about re-adoption breaks your heart and makes you realize how important early childhood nurturing can be. Similarly, this article, Confessions of a liberal defense attorney, will also bring up issues of parenting and break your heart. Or maybe strike fear into your heart – depending on how close you live to a black ghetto
http://www.amren.com/features/2014/05/confessions-of-a-public-defender/
Hopefully, Anatoly has a chance to lead a normal life. So many of the young black men with RAD or FASD or both who are in our criminal justice system will either die young or rot in jail. No one can talk about this because it would be racist.
It’s good to know that there are some possible solutions out there for the problem adopted children. That ranch in Montana sounds like they are doing God’s work. And Cyndi Peck as well.
Adoptive children is a misleading category. True, some other person or persons may be leaving you to hold the bag, but that does not matter.
God leaves you holding the bag. It is the way evil and suffering is distributed.
Our most personal and profound connection turns out to have no attributable connection, just a source of suffering.
Everything is a bell curve; where you wind up may have nothing to do with you.
I knew a lady who was happily married and had two children, in addition to the one she had as a teen. They then adopted these two siblings from the area (South TX), a girl (the elder one) and a boy. From what I could see, the kids were very happy to be with that family. The day the adoption became official, a photo of the four kids was published in the newspaper.
Then, I noticed she was spending a bit of time at this behavioral hospital in the area. I knew she was a nurse, but I thought she worked at that place. I did not think she was actually taking the adoptive girl there. The reason: fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.
After three years of that, a friend of mine told me this woman, quite intelligent and well-to-do, couldn’t take it any longer: she gave up the girl with FASD. You could see the devastation in her face. You could cut the heartache with a knife and would slice like butter, she was that hurt.
A couple of years later, she divorced her husband and kept the kids. I am absolutely sure that the issue of the girl with FASD was the biggest factor here. I’m sure they felt like total failures – and seeped into their very own relationship.
This story is but one reason why, even though it is very encouraged in the Evangelical Christian community to consider adoption (this woman and I are), I just don’t have the chops for it. I already have plenty to handle with two girls. I do understand why she had no other choice with that girl: this was beyond what her very own self could handle. And it was already beginning to take a toll on everyone else.
I still wonder how the adopted boy is doing…
Of all the blogging joints in all the world this is the one most likely to find and present a story like this one.
This is very interesting, heartbreaking and real. I have a close friend who is an older MD and his wife is a college professor. They took in their adopted grand daughter (adopted from Eastern Europe) about two years ago when she was a young teenager thinking they would have the skills to work with her problems that were overwhelming her adoptive parents, an MD dad and well educated mom who had two other kids slightly older.
The description of the troubled violent, disturbed behavior describes their grand daughter who finally had to be sent back to the parents who placed her someplace, perhaps the Ranch described in the story. I hope and pray that her outcome is as good as the boy in the article because these situations are real and they are heartbreakers.
I have had first hand knowledge of friends and family who have adopted kids out of Russia and seen mostly successful bonding and healthy growth of those children but not without some unique problems.
Adoption in the old days of US children when the mothers would sign away all rights and the children would only know the adoptive family seem to have been easier than today. At least that has been my experience since I was adopted out of a home for unwed mothers in 1945.
I was the next to the youngest in a family of four adopted kids with a pair of older siblings and a younger sister. I also had a lot of friends in my small town who had been adopted so that probably made things easier along with having much older parents, mom late 30’s dad in his 40’s. Life is kind of fun the way things work and I appreciate everyone who tries to help children and my heart goes out to those who encounter problems.
Anyway, as an adopted kid I would wonder why I came to be where I was and what if I had been somewhere else, etc. As I grew older that changed into thank God I ended up where I am and who I am. Of course having the finest folks in the world for parents helps a lot.
P.S. When dad passed away in 1995 at 92 years old, mom had been gone for 10 years we found all of the names and locations of our parents at the time we were adopted in his safe deposit box. There was a note that they had been put there if we ever asked for the information which we never did. My feelings were mixed at the time but I decided my life was fine as it was so the information could stay tucked away.
OldTexan:
There are many adoption success stories, and I’m glad you are one of them.
I know quite a few parents who have adopted children from other countries or even this country who have had more than the ordinary amount of problems, however. They have all hung in there through very stressful times and love their children very much, but it has been hard.
I cannot fault the parents who, like those in the article, cannot take it any more because the situation is just so difficult. It is heartbreaking and tragic, however. It was good to hear that re-adoption sometimes can improve that type of situation a lot.
You are so right and I am glad to hear that there can be a successful restart when one adoption reaches the end of the line and fails. A heartbreaking situation can turn into a heartwarming ending.
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