If you’re going to commit adultery…
…don’t do it in the marital bed. It tends to make the deceived spouse very very angry.
There aren’t too many betrayals that cause as much rage as infidelity, nor as deep a rage. But apparently the worst way to do the dirty deed is in the marital bed. This makes sense; there’s a sort of innate horror at such an affront, something like the revulsion a dog might feel at soiling his own den, only in this case it’s the spouse committing the desecration.
The comments to the article are unusually personal, but this one just might be my favorite, a good example of someone making his own bed and then having to lie in it, with a little help from the ex-wife:
my husband was the cheater and probably not in the marital bed (he rented a second apartment for that purpose). during the denouement i couldn’t bring myself to sleep in it anymore – slept on the floor in the living room instead. so it astonished me during the division of stuff phase that the ex insisted on taking the marital bed. we had picked it out together in europe, it had a history. not hers! there should have been some reverence, but he saw it as something he paid for once. i didn’t want it, and i didn’t want him, but it felt sad and wierd and creepy that he would actually want to own it again, and use it with his co-cheater.
on my eventual expedition to buy my new mattress, the salesman – bit of a george carlin type – got going on a riff. the frame was european and it would cost an arm and a leg for the ex to have a new custom mattress made. salesman figured if my ex was too cheap to buy his (third) wife a new bed he’d probably go with the existing mattress as well. “so draw on it” he said. “circle the stains! you know, like george washington slept here, only write things like… first baby vomited here. second child conceived here. third child miscarried here. puppy had accidents here, here and here. 59-year-old-husband-dating-28-year-old-immigrant-seeking-green-card drools here a LOT when he snores…” it was hilarious. and cathartic.
i didn’t have the cold-bloodedness required to do it. but i did write the word “sucker” in her language in permanent marker on the back. and off the time-honored marital bed went to their new house! true story.
In a way, you’re right.
But this is only one side to a many sided story.
Some people react in this way. There is an infinite variety to people.
Some people are swingers and actually enjoy watching their spouse commit “infidelity.” In those relationships, infidelity becomes redefined into any sexual behavior that takes place out of the site of one member of the couple.
Some marriages are strictly for convenience sake, and both members of the marriage agree to seek their sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
There are many more varieties than this.
So, while this article has some merit, it only describes the reactions of one sort of married couple.
I think that one of the reasons that homosexuals (particularly homosexual men) are becoming more open and accepted is precisely this. Gay men often are in relationships that don’t fit the paradigm of traditional hetero marriage. Many heteros look at this and wish they could have some of that themselves.
Shouting Thomas: of course some people react differently. But that hardly needs saying. The point is that most people would like fidelity from their spouses. Even these days.
Neo, there is a country song specifically about this. Its a female singer, don’t remember the name or many words, but it talks about the head board that the man made for the couple and how the wife no longer wants and “those satin sheets she tore…there not mine anymore…”
If I were the mistress in this affair, I would find it very creepy to carry out the affair on the very bed he and his wife use. I would also be very suspicious of a man who had so little sentimentality and wonder how he’ll treat me in the future.
Taking the NYT commenter’s account at face value:
1. …59-year-old-husband-dating-28-year-old-immigrant-seeking-green-card…
IMO his karma will come into play as soon as the new young wife no longer needs him to maintain her immigration status and can concoct a claim on his assets.
2. My expectation of that is reinforced because the greencardless mistress agreed to sleep in the marriage bed.
3. That’s not to dismiss utilitarian marriages out of hand. But a utilitarian marriage grounded in infidelity–egregious infidelity in this case–is a different matter.
4. None of the above tsktsking is meant to imply that my own life has been devoid of idiotic and/or cringeworthy actions (not necessarily wrt marital fidelity).
“”I would also be very suspicious of a man who had so little sentimentality and wonder how he’ll treat me in the future.””
Rare Commenter
What future? You must be refering to the next three or four weekends. Lol
One shouldn’t use the marital bed.
Rather, you should do it on the dining room table. And in the
kitchen. And on the couch. And…
What? I told y’all I was working on become an amoral son-of-so-and-so. If you’re going to stick a knife in, you need to use a serated edge, and twist it…
I would also be very suspicious of a man who had so little sentimentality and wonder how he’ll treat me in the future.
We’re men. We generally don’t have sentimentality over things like a mattress. Had the marriage lasted, what would the wife’s reacton be when it comes time to replace it?
As for how he’d treat his new woman, that’s easy: show me a spouse that I can steal away, and I’ll show you a spouse that can be stolen away from me.
DADT
Reverence? from a 59yo cheater? Not a chance. That’s a little late for a mid-life crisis, btw. Even he should be wise enough to realize the green card is the ONLY thing that’s sure to last in his new relationship!
just doing the job American women won’t do…..lol
“The mistress who marries a man leaves her position open.”
ok, I didn’t mean to make light of the affair, rather I was just sadly making a pun on the whole immigration thing.
Had a friend whose wife did betray him in their bed. It’s about all she got in the division of property. And her taking it was a requirement. No luck on custody of the 4 yr old kid even though he slept across the hall while she was with the neighbor. Judge said he’d needed proof of the kid serving them drinks in bed to get primary custody.
It’s a two way street, you know. About dead even these days.
We need more conscientious adulterers.
Well, that’s something.