Comments on: My mother and the telephone https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/ A blog about political change, among other things Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:15:21 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0.2 By: Jewel https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-276084 Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:15:21 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-276084 My mother died when I was eight, so I often celebrated mother’s day with my grandmother. As kids, we used to send her long cassettes with each of us speaking in turn. I found one of those cassettes, unsent for some reason, or maybe sent and it wound up with my grandmother’s things she left us.
It was made for mother’s day, and the five of us took our turns to either tell a story or play a song on the piano. My youngest sister, who was born shortly before mom died, told a hilarious story about ‘goggies’ and ‘guckies’ at the park. She couldn’t say her d’s very well.
I must have been 12 when we recorded it for her, but the memory of having done it came back and was as fresh as any memory I have from later in my life.

]]> By: Michael F https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275985 Fri, 21 Oct 2011 01:59:41 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275985 After reading this post and comments, I scribbled a piece about my thoughts and feelings as my life winds down in its probable last decade. (I’ll spare you.) I looked up and listened to Willie Nelson’s version of “September Song,” which has been on my mind often lately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7810J78TmbU
“The days dwindle down to a precious few…these days I’ll share with you.” It’s an ever-diminishing circle to a black punctuation mark at the end. I see that path to the end, and now have no strong emotions about any of it — past, present, and future.

]]> By: Perfected democrat https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275957 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 22:59:18 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275957 My father (the violinist) finally passed away at 97 fourteen months ago after a nine month hospice, he was still playing, on his feet, up till that time. My life, for many years, was preoccupied almost daily with his old age, and it was often frustrating for me in that regard, especially the last year, every evening, until near the end. Nobody loves you more than your mom and dad, especially when they are the last to go; all they care about is seeing you, even if their energy level and apparent attention span seems lagging. Spend as much time in contact, by phone and in person, as possible; you won’t regret it. Now, in addition to family portraits and other framed memories, I keep a collection of a half-dozen (wire-bound) 4″x6″ photos of him, by my computer (where I spend most of my life); from time to time rotating them depending on my mood. I marvel now at how, though gone, he (as well as my mom and brothers) comforts me at this time in my life. If the cup is half-full you are very blessed. If you can, try to make a point of seeing the recently released (digital) movie, Sholem Aleichem: Laughing in the Darkness…

]]> By: Lee Merrick https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275950 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 22:27:38 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275950 Gary P
Very well said.

]]> By: GaryP https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275915 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:35:01 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275915 I call my Mother (90) every day.

She and I talk about weather, news, what’s in the Wall St Journal (she reads it, I don’t), and the sorry state of the world (lots of material there).

She constantly finds articles about cancer treatment (for me) and follows the stock market because she thinks I spend more than I can afford for her care.

Last week we had an interesting discussion about her getting a 3 wheel cycle! That was a little scary but I encouraged her to try getting on it at the bike shop before making up her mind.

Even if your parents aren’t your favorite people, you have an obligation to care for them and stay in touch. Treat everyone in your life as though you loved them (even if you don’t) and maybe you will come to love them. Regardless, God will appreciate that you tried.

]]> By: MT of Hollywood https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275868 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 13:33:37 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275868 I agree about not talking about the past. for them, the past is gone. On the other hand, eternity is before them. Talk about that. Eckhart Tolle, Ramana Maharshi – the basics of Advaita Vedanta from Shankara onwards. They are beginning to “see”, and this talk is interesting to them. Try it. Pick up a copy of “The Power of Now”. Read to her. Sing to her! That is much more comforting than dredging up the past, and it is good for both souls. This is a book to pick up http://www.rigpa.org/en/about-sogyal-rinpoche/the-tibetan-book-of-living-and-dying.html It is very helpful. The first half of the book is about how both the living and the dying handle the before death portion of time, so now is the time to read it. The second half of the book is for later. It is for both the living and the dying souls. It is comforting to both.

]]> By: Dustoffmom https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275862 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:43:04 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275862 Thank you Neo for the update. I absolutely relish reading news of your Mother having followed you, your blog and through it her for several years now. My Mother died at 38 when I was just 22 of a massive heart attack. It remains ‘the’ defining moment of my life. Therefor I have sort of adopted your Mom in my heart and find myself wondering how she is when you have not mentioned her in awhile. Cherish every phone call you have with her no matter the routine. Call often….it’s good for the soul of both of you. 🙂

]]> By: neo-neocon https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275856 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 11:33:55 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275856 Cynthia Yockey: so sorry to hear about your partner’s illness.

Your suggestions are good ones, but I don’t think they’d work in the case of my mother. She doesn’t seem to be able to tell stories of the past very much at all, even in person. She seems much more in the present. I think with my mother it’s a combination of things that are going on, and I think you are correct that more complex conversations don’t seem to work for her any more.

]]> By: draveed https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275822 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 07:55:42 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275822 Wow, I’m having the same conversations with my mom. We stick, mostly, to a twice a week routine. Sometimes I call, sometimes she does (although lately it’s been her mostly).
We always start off with a weather report. ‘Oh it’s rainy and cold now. How is it there?’ ‘Still sunny Mom. Pretty warm.’
Then she asks me how work is. Then I ask her how my brothers and sisters are doing. Then she tells me what I should be eating. ‘Eggs are good for your brain. Make sure you buy some. Oh and peanut butter too! It’ll keep you filled up.’
This normally takes under 5 minutes. It’s the routine that bothers me. I would like to have longer, more involved conversations with her but my attempts at new topics never caught on. I would get one or two sentences back from her and then she would go back to the script. For a long time I suspected it was hearing loss, but she doesn’t want to get a hearing test so I can’t confirm that. Plus, she seems fine in person. I don’t have to raise my voice to speak to her when we’re in the same room.
I dunno. For the past year or more I’ve just stuck to the routine, but it saddens me. My Mom is getting older and is mostly alone now. I would like to be more of an outlet for her to talk, but I really don’t see how I can be.

]]> By: Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian https://thenewneo.com/2011/10/19/my-mother-and-the-telephone/#comment-275811 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 06:21:12 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/?p=10642#comment-275811 Neo, I live with and care for my 95-year-old father and cared for my late life partner of over 20 years who had multiple sclerosis. I think your mother is losing the ability to converse and keeps the conversations simple and short to hide that fact. If you would like to have your conversations be longer, try eliciting memories and stories from her. Telling stories stored in longterm memory will be easier for her — it doesn’t require the amount of short term memory and synthesis that a conversation requires. Also, she may not be able to answer questions that require a comparison, such as, “Are you feeling better today?,” because that requires remembering and comparing at least two different states of being. If that’s the case, just ask questions that she can answer in the present, so she won’t feel embarrassed.

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